today..

in the morning.. i got nagged and apparently scolded by someone.. which ultimately knocked some sense into this thick stubborn skull of mine.. ahahaha.. thanks to that someone.. u should know who u are.. hehehehehe..

hah.. went to school early to have last minute revision with my classmates.. damn.. now taufiq's hair is like.. wtf.. it's bleached pinkish white.. damn.. wat is he doing to his hair..?!?! and he says he's gonna dye green over the top.. the bleach was to make the green outstanding.. and yes.. even without the green.. it is already outstanding.. ahahahaha.. but it's nice to have a friend like taufiq.. u instill fear into ppl who would want to mess with me coz taufiq's a tall, lanky death metal dude with metal spikes coming out of his shoes, on his wristbands, a tattoo which he loves to show off.. hah..

study.. study.. study..

then went into the examination room.. we were given 10 minutes to look through the paper.. and to my horror.. allt he qns are like the ones i have done before over the course of the few days that i've been studying the subject.. i was like turning the papers then going "wtf..?!?!".. so easy..?!?! ahahahhahahah.. the first thing that went thru my mind was like.. " i studied so hard.. went sleepless for 4 days.. for what..?!?! for this kind of easy shit..?!?! wtf..!! " ahahahahha..

but shwajuan said that maybe it was becoz i had studied for the paper.. that's why it was so easy.. ya ah.. come to think of it.. she is right.. i did studied hard for the paper.. ahahaha.. so there.. proof of studying working marvels.. i have to admit.. i am not exam-smart.. i am only hardworking.. i compensate natural cleverness which i admit i don't have with hardwork.. and today.. it paid off.. so there.. advice to u guys out there.. even if u are not clever just like me.. be hardworking.. if u are too lazy albeit even walk 8 feet.. then u need some sense knocked into u as well... ahahahahhaha.. jokin jokin.. u need to have that inner drive that gives u the desire for success.. i was once lazy.. but then it dawned on me that no one except for myself is taking the exam.. and that i was put into a dumb class becoz of it.. and also it'll determine my future.. i changed.. from a lazy-assed bastard to a hard working bookworm.. if u want to change but lack the drive to do so.. then watever for..??

change can be drastic.. change can be something u don't like.. but this is how i changed.. i took it step-by-step.. one little baby step at a time.. i changed something small that i did daily.. in my case.. i was prone to purposefully forgetting my homework so i solved that problem by keeping a small pocket sized notebook which i wrote done watever that needed to be done.. then.. i realised that i didn't quite understand whatever was taught.. so i made sure that i read up watever the teacher went thru after school ended.. then i also realised that i still cannot understand.. so i made sure i paid attention in class and also wrote notes in my textbooks.. one probable cause of my small handwriting is because of this.. i would write so many notes.. so small and squeezed them in watever space there was in my textbook.. my favourite book was my pure bio book.. hahahhahaha.. it was riddled with my small handwriting in my favourite violet colour.. ahahahaha.. you will never change ur life until u change something u do daily.. hah.. and changed i did.. and reaped it's rewards.. and now this hardworking-ness is still in me.. and it sparked a change in my life..

hah.. so i rushed back home to catch the AFC final first leg.. it was already tied at 1-1.. wow.. an intense match.. the only thing holding me back was the presence of my mum and my young siblings.. if not i could be shouting here and there spewing vulgarities.. aahhahahah.. there was this controversial moment where singapore was awarded a penalty.. and the thai team.. respected and disciplined... walked out of the match.. wtf..!! coward sia..!! losers..!! Boo..!!! fuck off lah..!! AFF ban thailand from AFC lah..!! so unsporting..!! Booo...!!!!!

c'mon lah.. a referee's decision no matter how controversial still stands and will forever stand.. walking out would do nothing to change it.. it'll make things even worse.. wtf.. c'mon thailand.. my boyhood favourite second only to singapore just because i was nicknamed after a thai player, and that nickname is somehow stuck with me till now... how can u act like this..?!?! unjust.. totally undignified.. tsk-tsk.. well.. the match was carried on.. and Mustafic Fahrudin scored the decisive penalty.. aaahhh......!!!!!!!! GGoooaaaallllll......!!!!! and so.. due to that.. we won the first leg.. second leg in thailand won't be a nice one i'm sure of it.. it'll be fiercely contested.. as tempers flare and tackles come flying in.. it won't be nice trust me.. it'll be worse that the malaysia vs singapore match.. my guesses it'll be like the last ever competitive soccer match i ever had which ultimately sealed my fate as a competitive soccer player.. the 'B' division 05 vs 'B' division 06.. my team 05 won of course.. every flowing attack was stopped and a fight would break out.. every moment a fight breaks out.. every moment a bone-crunching tackle come flying in.. every moment an elbow flies out.. every moment vulgarties come spewing out.. every moment dirty tactics were carried out.. every moment.. it was the nastiest.. dirtiest match i've ever been in.. and i believe the AFC second leg would be the same..

All the best to Singapore..!! retain the cup..!!


i was nagged and apparently scolded to such an extent that i realise how stubborn i am.. i now realise i should Seize the day.. it's all about living in the moment.. Instead of fretting over what could happen, or what has happened, just appreciate what I have for the time being, and cherish every moment I have... in short words.. enjoy life.. hah.. thanks to that someone who knocked this sense into me.. i really appreciate what the person has done.. i really do appreciate it.. thanks shwajuan.. =)

well..

i didn't have the time to write..

so.. here's a re-cap on everything that has happened over the course of these few days..

On monday..
well.. study again as usual.. library jammed packed as the exam week settled in for everyone.. and guess wat.. i "found" adelia in the library.. she was supposedly suppose to study with rachel.. but apparently.. her mother didn't allow that.. so.. she joined me for my studying.. tell u guys wat.. i sat across a girl.. and this girl.. is well.. err.. "interesting".. her face.. well.. she is pretty..pretty enough to catch my eye not my heart.. it's her pretty-ness that somehow is the interesting part.. she has this doll like face.. not those over maked-up ones.. her face is like one of those life-like wax musuem dolls.. like one of those plastic faces.. like the doll-like of paris hilton.. she has long flowing jet black hair and light make-up that matches the tone of her skin.. really really a doll-like face.. her lashes are curled and trimmed to look really like one those barbie dolls.. yes.. she really had a doll-like face..

i went to club in the evening.. clement and guolong was there.. chatted.. joked.. and there was one time where we all teased adelia.. and clement was holding on to a piece of paper which adelia wanted so they wrestled for it.. and it ended up in a postion where it looked as if adelia was trying to pinch off clement's nipples.. ahahahahha.. clement was like.. "aahhh..!!! not my nipples..!! don't pinch my nipples..!!".. so there.. adelia has a new nickname along with rachel.. adelia is the nipple-pincher and rachel is the butt-smacker..


On tuesday..
found out that i cannot go for the home leg final of the AFC.. =(.. my paper is on the same time.. came to club after a brief study in the library.. guolong had just finished shooting with his new M1 limbs.. wwoooo...!!! so cool..!! M1 limbs..!! aaahhh...!!! So we had lunch.. had a long after lunch talk.. talked about archery of course.. guolong and derong were going over their performance at AAS.. then derong asked me wat were my plans for achery.. whether i still wanna stick to standard class or go on to C-class.. well.. after pondering over the experiences of guolong, derong, yazid and some of the other c-class archers of the club as well as what coach jaffar told me at sembawang compy and of course having the necessary equipment.. i have ultimately come to decision to kick start my c-class journey.. derong has allowed to me to borrow the club limbs and the stab system.. 68inch 38lbs challenger carbon limbs.. after i told him that i cannot take the 42lbs samick masters limbs that mr wee has lent me.. the poundage is too much.. i can't take it..

so now.. my journey to c-class begins.. hope for the best.. for the best is yet to come for me.. hope my seniors would help me with it.. i know that there is this common thing among c-class archers is that they refuse to accept that they are wrong in a certain aspect, eg form errors, coz they have reached the high level of c-class and they think that watever they do is right, eg sinner.. and i certainly do not want have this problem.. i want people to help me.. i need people to help me.. archery is a new phase in my life.. and i need all the help and guidance i can get.. i want to be standing there on the firing line.. then a senior comes up to me.. "hey hafiz.. i think ur *this this this* is wrong.. a proper way should be like *this this that that*.. " something like that.. yes.. something like this.. i'm all open to advice and guidance as all of my seniors have come to know of me.. i accept advice readily.. coz nobody is perfect... and i am not nobody..


And so my journey begins..

So.. A day of study break..

tonight i went to the watch the AFC semi-final Singapore vs Malaysia at the Kallang Stadium..

it was a great day.. it always great to be in a crowd at the national stadium.. it's always great to be there.. the atmosphere is damn great..!!!

It is always a great feeling.. picture this.. a thousand people screaming in support.. screaming ur name.. the euphoria of people shouting, chanting.. wow.. the feeling is damn nice.. the rumble of the feet of the fans as they drum up support for u and try to make the loudest sound as they can in an effort to spur u on.. the feeling is damn great..

i once felt this feeling.. while playing soccer.. 2 years ago.. house captain, captain for my house's soccer team.. and dunno how my housemaster manage to get supporters and my classmates also started inviting other people i dunno to the match.. then when the game started.. i had people i dunno screaming my name.. Ooooo.. the feeling is damn great.. u never go tired.. it feels like the scream and the vigour of the crowd seems to be driving ur body.. and there's this feeling in u.. vibrating deep inside urself.. ready to rumble.. adrenaline rushing and surging thru ur body..

and wow.. the national players are so damn good lahh.. 55000 ppl.. behind them.. cheering them on.. doing the kallang wave.. omg.. the feeling is so great.. it is so hard to describe it.. ahh.. this is one part of soccer i love and miss so much..

anyways.. back to the soccer match.. it is a grudge match.. as fiercely fought as local derby.. singapore and malaysia.. fierce rivals.. the Battle of the causway.. it really was a fun match.. cheers.. kallang wave.. vulgarities.. paper planes.. confetti... aahhh...!!! amazing.. aahahhahaaahaha... Singapore won 6-5 on penalties.. although it was disputed to be 5-4 but u add the original score of 1-1 and it'll be 6-5.. ahahhahahahaha..

Go on singapore..!!
retain the AFC trophy..!!
I will be there at the final..!!






when singapore scored the winning penalty..








The score board.. 1-1.. arrgghh..!!










And so the match begins..











Fans Gathering..

Fuck It..

I just can't seem to get a decent 3 hours of sleep.. i can't seem to sleep anymore.. everytime.. i fall asleep.. on the bed or on my study table at home.. i wake up again.. 18mins later.. then i cannot fall asleep again.. for 4 days it has been going on like this.. i dunno wat's happening.. these familiar yet unknown feelings and thoughts are rampaging thru my head.. irrational feelings.. thoughts without sound clarity.. crazy things.. it is a hard mental war to battle.. and it really is taking its toll on me.. and everytime i study alone.. these feelings and thoughts, torment my heart and mind.. i swear.. tears would well up in eyes as i valiantly fight them back.. it is painful.. yes.. it is painful.. it hurts... it hurts alot..

It hurts so much that even smiling hurts.. coz for the brief moment that i smile.. everything just disappears.. and when the smile dies down.. the sorrow and misery come flooding back.. and the sudden assault pierces my heart.. how it hurts.. that's why my smiles are without emotion.. coz i would then prepare myself for the volley of sorrow and misery that comes barraging into my heart.. fuck it.. wat's wrong with me..?!?!

Now.. i'm deathly sick.. the mental and physical torture is beginning to take its toll on me.. i'm drained of all energy.. physically, mentally and spiritually drained.. i'm exhausted to the core.. yet somehow i am still able to doggedly trudge on.. what's driving me on..?? the hope that the next day would turn out for the best..??

seeing the happy faces on my friends faces warms up my cold heart and removes a portion of the siege of feelings and thoughts on me.. james' warmth of friendliness.. kailin's blur-ness.. timothy's vulnerability to shoots.. anthony's highly informative wisdom.. BK's straight forward jokes.. rachel's gossip.. adelia's tomboyish-ness.. derong's lame ass jokes.. christine's innocent charm.. yazid's cool-ness.. shimin's hyperactive-ness.. chinyan's sauve appeal.. guolong's gay antics and finally shwa juan's beautiful smile.. hah.. my friends.. neither do they know of the part they play in my life in bringing me back from my fall nor how significant their simple actions are capable of removing some of the hatred and resentment in my heart.. hah.. my friends.. i cherish all of them and all the moments that i spend with them.. i dunno how'd i ever made it thru with such hatred in me..



And thus I clothe my naked villainy
With old odd ends stolen forth from holy writ
And seem a saint when most I play the devil.

Now i really know why..
Fuck It..

Study break again...!!! ahahahahahaha...!!!

Maths optional lecture today clarified some things.. now i'm up and ready for it.. provided i practice more..

lunch today was unroutine.. unroutine in terms that i ate with shwa juan and shimin.. i usually eat all alone on wednesdays.. so today's change was rather fun.. hah.. shimin was all high and hyperactive throughout.. damn.. and her voice is already so sharp.. oww.. well.. transformation seems to go on well and as planned.. i speak differently now.. behave differently now.. even when we were eating.. shwa juan and shimin were like asking me if i was okay.. to them i looked tired.. well.. have to admit.. i was abit tired.. i have a lot of studying to do.. round 2 end 2 today.. 2 more ends in this bloody cold library.. round 1 was last week..

weekend.. hmm.. very interesting.. i plan to go for training.. IF there's training.. want to de-stress.. furthermore.. mr wee said that he'll come down this weekend to give me the limbs.. aahh..!! finally.. limbs for my eclipse.. i could have started earlier but the previous limbs that he lent to me cracked.. and not by me.. the limbs were already cracked when he lent them to me.. so.. eee. so excited for my bowset to be temporarily complete.. aahh..!! well.. temporarily..

well.. now i'm here.. accommodating the chapters that i missed last night.. seems to me.. i have more time than i expected.. ahah.. that's what i think.. aahh..!! i cannot play with time.. time may play with me but i cannot play with time.. aahhh..!!!

hah.. change is happening.. and i like it.. starting to feel something stirring in my heart... i don't know wat it is.. it is strangely familiar yet i do not know what it is.. i dunno what God has in store for me.. but will i be ready for it..??


We are oft to blame in this,
'Tis too much proved
that with devotion's visage
And pious action we do sugar o'er
The devil himself..

Here i am..

in the main library.. intensively studying.. as usual like the MSTs and the last semester exam.. one week before the exams.. chiong-ing.. all alone in the library till 845pm.. i'll be here for the few weeks till my exams end.. studying again.. but this time.. i'm studying on level 3A instead of 2A.. and now.. i have come to realise that it is damn cold up here as compared to level 2A where i frequented previously.. ahahaha.. brr.. really cold up here man.. i'm literally shivering.. and i'm not buying a jacket as i'm waiting for the IVP jacket which is like so cool..!! wearing yazid's one was like aahhh, feel so cool man.. to have ur school's name printed on ur back.. so cool..!! damn.. so cold.. cool and cold.. ahhaahhah.. siao.. -.-"

funny how i found the time to write this entry.. ahah.. taking a study break of course.. I have much to catch up with my work.. and it's only 3 modules.. especially digital electronics which i admit that i am very weak in.. damn.. i just hate this module.. and come to think of it.. most EEE students prefer DE rather than PEEE.. but me.. as unusual as always.. prefer PEEE to DE.. ahahah.. damn.. i've got the cheek to go "ahahaha".. when nothing here seems to be funny... funny isn't it..?? ahahahaha.. contradictory statement.. sounds crazy.. heh.. studying wat.. of course go crazy..

aaahhhh....!!!!!!!! i'm going crazy..!!!!! already now.. i'm being the person i want myself to be.. the calm, quiet being of isolation.. in the morning i had a test.. and my friends were like aggressively whispering to me for help.. i was like.. *take a deep breath*.. in a calm voice.. told them how to approach the qn.. not telling them the answer.. but just how to do it.. heh.. true of the sayings of Prophet Muhammad (p.b.u.h).. a calm desposition is able to counter the most troubling of situations.. hah.. nice.. i like it..

quiet.. hah.. the common saying.. empty vessels make the most noise.. and i am most certainly not empty.. besides.. i wanna be quiet not because of this but something else which i have picked up from my GEMs.. it is scientifically proven that people share their problems with people who don't talk much.. and i seem to be a magnet for people with problems even though i'm noisy.. so now.. changing to being quiet.. i can give these people the comfort in telling me their problems.. just like i was last time.. a listening ear.. a helping hand.. a punching bag (i know of some who took this too literally.. ehem.. baoxian...ehem..) ahahahhahahahah...

and being of isolation.. just like what i'm doing now.. studying on my own here in the library.. not wanting to invite my classmate to join me. they'll just make things worse by disrupting the study schedule i have set for myself.. come to think of it.. they even suggested study groups.. ahahhah... and i rejected the idea coz.. well... u know.. i like being lonely.. if they were the type that studies quietly i won't mind studying with them.. but my classmates are most certainly not that type.. ahahhahha. so i sit here.. in the midst of open textbooks.. handouts.. printed copies of qn papers of previous exams.. rough paper with scribbles of working on them.. foolscap paper with neat presentation of solutions.. stationary all strewn around.. music blasting thru my earphones.. hah.. this is my messy life when i study alone.. ahahhaha..

Goodluck to all those studying..!!
All the best for your papers..!!
Do things in an organised and orderly manner, it'll help out.. trust me.. it may seem that u don't have time.. but when things are done orderly.. u have more than enough time for everything..
Have the self discipline and mental strength to carry out ur work.. don't plan a schedule but not follow it.. totally waste of effort planning the schedule ain't it..


damn.. that girl singing to herself on her mp3 player is beginning to bug me.. i will raise the volume of my music and immerse myself into my own world.. ahahha


May the Force be with y'all..
God Bless..!!
I'll try to pray for u guys.. but i have to pray for myself first.. i need more help.. ahahahahah... damn.. wat so funny..??

and so it would seem.. nothing has changed.. plunging ever deeper into sorrow and hopelessness.. will i become the shadow of my former self once again..?? i dunno.. there's this saying.. u win together but u die alone.. and it seems everyone is winning.. and i'm the only one dying.. yes.. i'm dying.. maybe i'm being too open with my philosophies and studies i have so painstakingly taken on my own and sharing them so easily with others.. it may sound selfish.. but is it fair for me to share with others a knowledge that they use to gain the upper hand over me..?? i think not..i most certainly think not.. it was stupid of me to do so.. to spoon feed ppl knowledge i have strived to gain on my own and then these ppl take advantage over me.. i will not allow this ungratefulness to happen..

i must change.. but i will not fall.. i cannot allow this to continue.. i will succumb to my former self.. i will turn into the quiet, calm being of isolation.. my lonely self once more.. already now i'm speaking in a different way.. i'm speaking like how i used to speak a long time ago.. and i kinda like it.. yes.. i must change.. i have made up my mind.. i will change.. i must put aside this dramatis persona.. and transform into the predacon i was last time.. i want to change.. i cannot allow people to leech off of me.. U can never run away from the man whom i'm destined to be.. change is imminent.. i'm sorry if u ppl don't like the change in me.. but i have to do it..

I am destined to walk this life less ordinary; Alone, Exiled, Different and Disdained..

Internal compy '07

well.. the much awaited open internal compy was held.. 30m 80cm face.. didn't performed well as expected.. haven't got my form fixated yet after sembawang compy.. so it was rather partly screwed up.. i can't even touch my anchor point and i already released.. haven't cured my competition form..

oh well.. i just joined it for fun.. Mr wee came down.. of course.. if he was to provide the prizes for 1st and 2nd place.. of course he has to come.. he came for a moment only as he had to go to SMU.. well.. he told me to turn my elbow in further.. and he also discussed to me the limbs that he has promised to lend me.. he said 42lbs.. i was like "hah..?? 42lbs..??".. and i gave him such a surprised look.. "don't worry.. don't worry.. no sweat.. u can take it..".. *gulp*.. err.. 42lbs.. abit too much.. i dowan to be like wai jack.. how mr wee..?? can i do it..?? the only people i know who pull such a poundage or greater are derong, yazid, munweng and BK.. and they're like.. big, muscular and tall.. i'm small and skinny.. can i do it mr wee..?? If u say i can do.. then i trust ur judgement.. u will be helping me with it won't u..??

anyways.. back to the compy.. well.. in the IKO round.. i was to go against my fellow bumblebee mate, ryan.. wth.. both of us are like the best year 1 standard archers and they put us together.. no fair.. oh well.. obviously i lost to him.. ahah.. my form haven't fixed.. of course i'll lose out.. but wat was totally surprising was clement's defeat.. he got defeated by derong by an 'x'.. they both got the same score.. but derong had more 'x's.. such a disappointment for him.. and he wanted those limbs to chase his dreams of making it to the national squad.. damn.. i hope he bounces back up from this defeat.. it really sucks to see on of SP's best archers down.. cheer up dude.. who knows what greater opportunities u have in the future..??

well.. derong won the male category and shimin won the female category.. congrats to both of them..!! and as promised.. Hoyt limbs.. but derong seems to want to exchange the limbs for a Hoyt Nexus riser instead.. runners-up guolong and adelia got $100 voucher i guess.. congrats to all winners and a good job for all the archers involved..!! even though i sucked..!! ahahahaha..





I just love this photo..!! look at me and shimin.. so cool..!! form, release, stance, everything identical ..!! ahh..!! same same..!! so cool..!!










well.. shravan was taking photos with all of us.. he's going off back home to india as soon as the exams are over.. damn.. such a good friend going away.. how time flies.. come to think of it.. he was the first friend i made in archery.. back then it was the archery camp.. and that's where our paths crossed..





When our paths first crossed, the beginning of a friendship..









so we all.. went to jurong point.. well at least that's where we thought we were going.. but then ahh.. someone came out with this ingenious idea of going to rachel's house.. and so we did.. damn.. her house is huge.. and the walk to her house was filled with the screams of shimin as dogs from the other occupants houses barked as we passed by.. ahahahahhaha.. rachel's dad is so cool too.. all the cool games that he and rachel plays.. wow.. well.. the majority of us went off.. leaving most of the westsiders here and a rare east sider, shimin..

we played, we wrestled, we ate and we talked.. her parent's were so kind in providing us KFC for dinner.. and it's the first time i've ever eaten 4 pieces of chicken.. damn.. but was still hungry.. but cannot stuff anymore.. bigger appetite than stomach.. ahahahah.. our talk was so great..!! talk about this talked about that..!! it was wonderful..!! and we didn't keep track of the time.. wth.. by then it was 11pm ++.. and so we all headed home.. with shimin having to travel the farthest..

ahahah.. mass com on the phone.. though i was rather late in calling thanks to someone who forget to inform me that shimin already cleared the tunnel.. oh well. in the end we all ended up mass chatting online.. ahahah.. wonderful social day.. damn.. exams are coming

And so it would seem..

my life has never reached a level of such hopelessness.. Bloody hell.. everything's going wrong.. u ppl don't see it.. u only see the smile on my face.. the same smile that's on my face in every expression.. Happy, sad, angry, in pain, pissed off.. it's the same smile.. the smile of an assassin.. A heartless smile.. emotionless smile.. a sick smile.. a perverse smile.. an evil smile.. A Guy Fawkes mask smile on my face..

That's the smile u see on my face.. a hollow smile.. look deep into my eyes when i smile.. wat do u see..?? Nothing.. there's nothing there.. no feeling.. no nothing.. i don't feel anything... all u see is the void of the blackness of my pupils.. empty.. that's all u see.. I can't feel anything anymore.. there's nothing in my heart anymore..

Hatred is breeding in me once more.. just like before.. once.. i lived a life of hatred.. i hated everything and everyone that made my life terrible.. i was mistreated.. i was misjudged.. i was ostracised.. for the fact that i was different from the others.. Hate was all i knew.. It was my world.. i wished for death for all the hate that ran thru my veins.. I hated the hate..

until one day.. something saved me from myself.. something still stood with me after all hatred that i went thru.. It was strange.. I never saw it coming.. it was faith.. faith in God.. it stood by me.. He stood by me thru everything.. and something hit me that God was helping me and was giving me the strength to go thru my life.. till it unlocked something.. it unlocked the splint that lit the flame to my heart.. the flame to all good feelings.. i smiled with happiness for once..

And now.. it seems that i am to plunge into my world of hatred once more..

i don't want to fall again... but as every day passes by with these emotions still in me.. i edge closer to the brink of my fall.. ever so close to falling again.. i want to be happy.. i want to be the crazy carefree Hafiz a few months back.. with nothing to worry about.. going all crazy and doing stupid things.. dancing here and there.. seemingly liked by ppl.. i don't wanna fall again.. not again..






anyways.. i got stalked today.. by a black kitten.. it's cute.. yes.. i have to admit.. it's cute.. i was walking home when it peered and mewed from under a parked lorry and it looked up to me with those kitty eyes.. next thing i knew.. it was tailing me.. everytime i walked a few steps and turned around.. there it was.. looking up to me with those yellow eyes.. i was like.. "damn.. this dumb kitty is following me..".. "go.. go go away.. don't follow me.. stay here..".. i eventually had to carry it by the scruff of it's neck and put it at a distance from me.. after i put it down.. i ran away.. hoping that it won't tail me again.. and when i turned back again.. there was it.. trotting up to me.. shit.. I ran as fast as i could with the heavy bag of mine.. until i lost it.. hah. silly kitten..

Sembawang Compy..

The competition was spread over the whole weekend..

Saturday..

today was the individual events for c-class, standard male and female..

I had to meet up with rachel and shwajuan at boon lay mrt station at 6am.. 6am..!! that's fucking early..!! ahahhahahahhah.. i realised now that the buses going by my house only start service at about 545.. so i had to wait 15 bloody minutes for the bloody bus.. so i was abit late.. and the girls as usual.. bully me.. ahh.. the relentless assault of verbal bullying from the girls.. i can do nothing.. everything that i seemed to do put me into a more difficult position.. so i just absorbed everything they throw at me.. ahahahahhahhahaha...

met up with the other archers at sembawang mrt station.. then we were off to sembawang CC.. it was an indoor-outdoor competition.. it was an outdoor venue but had a large tent over the 4 badminton courts outside.. a very cramped place.. the organisers were abit messy.. coz they made every single event drag with their new format.. 2 details then take score.. very very tedious and long sequence.. every event was dragged back.. my event scheduled at 1245 was postponed to 5pm..!! bloody hell..!! i had to wait damn long sia..

so in the mean time.. i took naps.. wandered around.. went to sun plaza and back.. boring and long wait.. there was a moment where i slept and then woke up to find the FAAC coach Mr Jaffar smiling and walking towards my direction.. he came up to me.. did an intro of himself.. asked me about yazid and my archery and such.. was a brief conversation.. but a very friendly man.. a man with a admirable vision.. to increase the number of malays in this sport..

so finally it was my event.. 5pm it started.. was all dazed from just waking up from my nap.. did some warm-up and i was in.. did some mental talk.. was bloody nervous.. i was afraid of slumping again.. well.. i just told myself to smile, try to stay happy, try to relax, calm my heart rate down and enjoy myself.. so there i was.. on the equipment line.. with bow in hand.. my fingers tapping on the handle as i waited in anticipation for my detail..

the buzzer sounded.. sighter round 1.. all my shots went down into blue and red.. but there's a grouping.. and that's all that mattered.. so i had to change my sight.. 4.7 to 4.8.. second sighter round.. yellows and reds.. how wonderful..

then the scoring started.. i was hyped up.. i was nervous.. i was scared.. and i buang-ed my first end.. i was like wtf.. i can do better.. and so i proved it by scoring high in the following 2 ends.. wonderful performance.. in my 4th end.. i was getting all nervous and anxious for no particular reasons.. thoughts suddenly flashed thru my head.. it was a whirl of crazy thoughts.. my heart was racing and i was forgetting everything.. i was losing my mojo.. i was failing it.. and i buang-ed that end..

on the 5th.. it was the repeat of my subsequent failure.. there i was on the firing line.. perspiring crazily.. my heart beating wildly.. i took several deep breaths.. gripped the string.. came to pre-draw.. put it down.. as the thoughts clouded my mind again.. i was thinking to much.. took a deep diaphragmatic breath and followed with my shot sequence.. draw.. seek.. hold.. hold.. release.. followthrough.. i saw the shot land into the centre of the board.. wow..!! the feeling was great.. the following shot went into the centre as well.. and when i went to retrieve 'em.. they both were Xs.. wow..!! the feeling is great..!!! so great..!!

well.. my happiness was short lived.. apparently.. shwajuan did not perform well.. and she was feeling down about it.. i really pity her.. was very sad for her.. really sad.. i wish she would forget all about this.. rachel and i was like going all crazily concerned over her.. it really is sad to see a close friend in a down mood.. especially when it is so hard to approach shwajuan when she's down.. i'm scared.. honestly.. yeah.. i admit.. i'm scared.. everytime i see her feeling down.. i would be feeling so scared yet worried about her.. but i can do nothing but just give her advice and pray that she would get up from this slump and be feeling better once more.. all smiling and laughing.. she has one of the most beautiful smiles and sparkling eyes that i have ever seen... so seeing that beautiful smile on her face is sufficient enough for me.. i want to see that smile on her face all the time..

hope she feels better soon..

one of the dumbest things that i have ever done.. i glued my broken earpiece with super glue.. then after the outer layer dried.. i put the earpiece into my ear not knowing that the inner layer hasn't fully dried.. and i found myself having the earpiece stuck to my ear and having to rip it out of my ear.. Ouch..!!! it hurt.. and i spent the whole night scrapping the hardened patches of glue on/in my ear.. lucky never go inside the hole sia.. dunno wat might happen.. lucky i took it out after about 12mins.. later after 1 hour.. the thing cemented to my ear.. and it'll be a damn silly sight..


Sunday..

went to sembawang with rachel.. and i was having trouble pulling the right earpiece out without me grimacing in pain.. so i told her about last night.. and she laughed hysterically.. wth.. yeah. i can say that it is kinda dumb.. but it's a mistake.. and a hilariously painful one at that.. ahahahaha..

reached sembawang station.. met jonathan.. my teammate.. we still haven't got news whether my team had went thru.. i guess not.. shravan and me scored an average score but jonathan scored less.. so there was a big worry.. went to 7 Eleven to buy milk for my breakfast.. yes.. honey stars.. stood outside of the station.. so that those smrt officers won't shoo me off.. so my back was facing the gathering area so i didn't know who came later on.. i just continued eating.. got a glimpse of shwajuan.. she seems to be okay.. all smiling.. that's a wonderful sign..

so we all headed off to the range.. found out from BK that my team never qualified.. sad.. yes.. coz it may be the only time that i team up with shravan.. he's going off in february.. damn.. so soon.. so my team didn't qualify.. so jonathan went off home since he had no role here.. thought of going off as well.. but then my fellow archers need support..

while waiting for my archers events.. i went to watch the compound and recurve open event.. ahh..!! that compound girl in 6B..!! so cute and pretty..!! but she's in a way different social class and not to mention archery class then me... she's a rich, clever compound archer.. whereas i'm a moderate, recurve archer.. too different.. way different.. only eye candy for me.. =(.. her sister is pretty too but ladylike.. ahh.. the compound bows are so cool..!! Especially Hoyt's UltraElite.. i like..!! i want..!! i want a compound bow..!! so cool..!! but i have to improve my skill as well as complete my bowset before i can ever think of acquiring a compound bow.. besides.. it won't be possible.. compound bows are too expensive..

anthony broke adelia's bow.. so she had to use mine.. the standard girls and guys team event was up.. the gurls performed well.. given the fact that adelia was using my bow and my fellow year 1 archers are having their first practical team event.. shwajuan didn't seem to show any signs of disappointment.. and apparently.. from what i see.. she seems to have found her form back.. i dunno. i was too far away to see clearly.. but her shots were marvellous.. but.. the guys team didn't go thru.. both girls team went thru.. especially rachel, kailin and christine.. they seem to be high..

in the end the shwajuan, shimin and adelia won team bronze and rachel, kailin and christine won team silver... well done girls..!! SPAC females seem are most definitely one of the best.. Our Cclass guys were good too.. derong, guolong and BK were on a high.. groupings in yellow.. on fire sia they all.. in the end they won Gold..!! team gold..!! wow..!!!

overall.. i have to say.. sembawang compy was a good compy for me.. i overcome something even greater than scores.. i conquered myself..





Team BumbleBee..
ahahahahahaha..
Hafiz, Timothy, Ryan..
The greatest standard class team..!!
ahahahahahaha..










SP Archers group photo..











Male team event..
Don't tell me u can't see him..
ahahahaha..














Female team event..
Can see her..??
Ehehehehe..














compound bows..!!













Compound archers..!!! cool..!!

I now find myself thrown vicarously into a cyclone of frustrating and demoralising events.. With the harshness of reality heavily pelting down on me and time none the more helpful as it runs ever so fast past.. i'm lost and hopeless.. I'm doing things that should not be done.. I'm going against things that cannot be won.. i'm feeling emotions i don't wanna feel.. not again.. why do i find myself thrown back into the dark pit of hopelessness after i have just clambered out of it..?!?!

Why do i think this way..?!? Why do i feel this way..?!? I forbade myself to these things again and it seems that this things are done unto me instead.. I took precautions. I took chances.. I took risks.. i made sacrifices.. yet somehow.. i go against what is deem as rational sense and do things unimaginable, unthought of, unfamiliar..

Once i found myself in such a position and it took a hell lot for me to get myself back up again.. i do not want to fall again.. not anymore.. i'm tired of pulling myself back up.. But the idealogy of falling is taunting me.. It is deemed to be morally and philosophically right and yet it is deemed stupid in the harshness of this fucked up world.. Everything seems to be fucked up.. Maybe i'm just tired.. when we are tired, we are attacked by ideas we conquered long ago.. But there is absolutely no time to take a break.. No time to rest.. No time at all.. NO TIME..

And that's what i hate about time.. it waits for no one.. as i sit and think about the mistakes i make.. time passes by.. time that brings on new, more challenges.. new, more mistakes.. the more time passes... the more mistakes i make.. the more mistakes i make.. the deeper i fall into the surreal pit of insanity..

but there is one thing that i believe in that's the life line between me and a lifetime of remorse.. Faith.. I have faith in God.. Faith that he'll change my life for the better as i strive doggedly to change mine.. God granted me the courage not to give up what i think is right even though i think it is hopeless.. It is resilience thru faith that has seen me thru the harsh times.. It is thru faith that strive ever on.. There is a greater power up there and it lies in my faith in God..

Yet it is hopeless to hold on to ideas and feelings if they are never accepted..

yet why do i still hold on to them..??

Why..??

weekend writeout

Saturday

A short summary for saturday.. i shot like crap.. terrible.. exceptionally terrible.. wat was interesting was that in the morning when i was expecting the usual early birds to arrive early come late.. and i was in the company of one of those usual late-comers, anthony.. until yazid called for me to come take his bow from him and set it up for him as he wanted to shoot today and he had never touch his bow since safsa.. so i enthusiastically took up his offer and helped him..

Set-up his bow outside the club with everyone asking me questions on how i acquired yazid's bow.. My reply was like as usual full of crap.. "orhh.. Yazid gave me his bow.." ahahhahahha.. nice to see the bewildered look on their faces.. damn.. his bowcase really stank..!! it stank of fungus and mould.. reminds me of the smell of my soccer boots after i play in the rain and mud.. disgusting.. and when clement approached me to put on the angel majesty string that he made for yazid he asked for yaz's stringer.. so i gave it to clement and it was covered with a sickly green layer of mould.. and clement's face was hilarious.. he went like.."OMG.. who uses a mouldy stringer.. yucks.. eeeeyyyeerrr... mouldy stringer.." ahahahahahhha..

Finally.. after having done the tedious task of holding my breath and setting up his bow.. i finally went down.. downstairs.. i sms-ed yazid on how stinky his bowcase was.. he laughed in every single sms he replied.. ahahahahahah.. i had to air everything for him, his chestguard, his bags, his stringer.. and when i was emptying his quiver.. the strongest smell came from his quiver.. and i found the source.. his cordovan fingertabs..!! AArrrggghhhhh...!!!!!!! EEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeee............. disgusting.. totally ABSOLUTELY disgusting...!!!!! it had mould and fungus growing on them.. they were still damp.. disgusting.. it had the spongy mouldy that u find on bread on it.. and also some metallic red coloured sprouts sprouting from the rivets and screws.. disgusting...!! D-I-S-G-U-S-T-I-N-G....!!!!! I scraped watever could be scraped I attempted to burn the remaining growths.. but had enough of his fingertabs.. just can't stand the disgusting stuff growing on 'em.. eeeeeeeeeeeee.......

He came down soon after.. and he was like laughing all the time.. and he got the remaining yucky stuff off by scrubbing under water.. eeeeee.... that's wat u get when u don't air and wipe ur equipment after shooting in the rain.. well.. i tried a hand at shooting with his bow.. heh.. up to c-class for once.. was actually wanting to train for the high poundage not the feel of a c-class bow and everyone was like going.. "ehh.. Hafiz.. it's very bad to play play with a c-class bow later my standard form would drop..".. heh.. thanks for the concern.. really appreciate it.. esp from BK.. but now i seem to have gained some strength.. able to shoot about 6 arrows into the 10m board.. and i realised that the swing that u see c-class archers make is not at all forced but just letting the bow fly out of ur hand and the sling would catch the bow and the bow would swing it's way..

Had to teach some NS men.. cool.. woei perng's men.. damn cool.. to teach full-grown men was fun.. and they all are so respectful of me.. i mean.. my first impression was like they are gonna go like "ehh.. i'm older than u.. i can do watever i want.. u cannot tell me anything..".. but instead.. they did the opposite.. they were like asking me if i was holding the bow straight.. if they were grippin the bow correctly if they're pulling properly things like that.. cool.. never have i experienced such an enthusiastic bunch of men.. cool..


Sunday..

shot like crap as usual.. damn.. crappy as always.. and i'm up for sembawang compy.. didn't want to ask GL for help as he was helping shwajuan.. figured she'd need more attention than I do as she seems to be in a dilemma now and i believe GL can help her.. and i believe she can perform.. it's her mindset that hinders everything.. She CAN do it.. i believe she can do it.. My GLA mates can always do it.. we go against all odds..

so i asked yazid instead to help train me.. he withdrew himself from sembawang compy.. he figured that he wasn't ready for it.. and a wise decision in that.. i also thought about withdrawing.. but the 2 Jedi Knights say that i could gain experience from the compy.. Gain EXP then LEVEL UP..

So he helped me with my ever so irritatingly crappy target panic and a bit of followthru.. we tried many things.. the first.. saying "wait lah!! butoh cheebai!!" at full draw.. it was funny... and everytime he said that.. i ended up laughing instead and releasing fast.. but the shot would go into the yellow.. hilariously interesting.. then he tried helping me hold my draw hand as i came to fulldraw preventing me from releasing.. but i occasionally released.. with his hand on mine.. ahahahahh.. hitting him in the process.. he snapped me with a towel everytime i did that.. then JK Guolong went into gay mode.. sialla.. disgusting sia.. geli.. then yazid implemented a new method.. the punishment method.. for every shot that yazid think is fast.. i have to drop and do 10 pushups.. so.. i did a lot of pushups.. and shwajuan, GL annd james were like laughing at me all the time.. and GL was non-stop in his gay antics.. saying gay crap.. knowing that i have gay panic.. eeee... funny lahh.. but eeee... and he did one hell of a girlie dance on the firing line.. it was like totally out of nowhere then he start dancing.. like butterfly like that.. then shwajuan.. always put me further into precarious positions by making things worse for me.. ahahhahahaha.. damn funny lor..

eventually.. after all the holding, snapping, hitting, gay panic treating, pushup-ing.. i finally cured my target panic.. ahahahahaha

Weekend writeout..


Saturday..

I came down rather early for training.. reached school at about 840am.. as usual.. no one at the club yet.. so i just sat down there on the black table.. listening to songs on my borrowed mp3 player.. well.. dunno whether to call it borrowed or not.. coz my young aunt just thrust it to me and asked for me to put all my songs in 'em.. so in the meantime i can use it until i meet her.. well.. just sitting down there in the total darkness.. all alone.. thoughts just crept into my mind.. thoughts about tmr.. Aidil Adha.. many of my relatives and my family friends are in Mecca right now.. going thru the pilgrimage in the holy land.. just the sight of a single photograph and the descriptions made by grandmother.. wow.. it really must be a lovely place..

A place where every single muslim are equal.. Judged neither by race or political status.. all donning the white robes.. equality among the muslim brothers.. a pilgrimage as they go thru the rites of the Hajj righting wrongs, cleansing sins.. what a moment.. the closest one can get to God.. in pure humility.. it just brought tears to me as i sat there thinking about it.. one day i'll go there.. I will go there.. by God's will i will go there..

And as usual.. GL was the next person to come.. so as usual.. i sat by him as he set up his bow.. there was just pure silence.. a student.. watching his teacher fixing up his bow.. the silence was broken with the arrival of other archers.. And guess wat GL said to me.. "Hafiz.. U look older.." --_--".. out of the blue comment.. and he hasn't seen me for like only a week.. i must've really look more matured and older.. must have..

training was rather different from the usual days.. i was damn quiet.. i was trying out some new form techniques.. i was isolating myself from the others.. even my close friends.. i dunno.. every time i as done shooting and waited for the others.. i just stood there staring at the target paper at 30m.. just staring.. i thinking.. thinking of the many sins that i have done throughout my life and wat tmr will bring.. an opportunity for my sins to be forgiven.. i dunno why.. but tears suddenly start flowing.. i wasn't sad.. just extremely grateful that i'm still alive and God is giving me many opportunities for me to correct my sins and change my life around.. I really am grateful.. even on the firing line.. while at full draw.. tears just flowed out.. it was an involuntary action.. it just flowed out.. must be the intense mental concentration and blocking out everything.. feeling nothing.. thinking nothing.. and it just flowed involuntarily.. and i was trying my best to hide my tears from my friends.. i was deadly quiet..

the silence was ultimately broken when SJ asked me why i was so quiet.. So i had to tell her.. then it was lunch.. talked about ghosts.. i was back to my normal smiling self.. but was rather patient, relaxed, contented..

my shooting improved as i got used to the new changes.. got back to my average scoring streak.. rather low.. but great improvement.. well.. today really proves that archery is a patient sport.. i need to slow down and take things with less energy.. archery is not soccer.. archery is more mental.. in soccer i can correct my wrongs by doing tricks, running faster, hitting the ball harder.. in archery.. i have to divide that energy into the intricate steps of my shot sequence.. it takes patience to put that brimming energy to rest..


Sunday..

Hari raya Haji.. as usual.. picked up ahmad. (the GESS one, the crazier one).. went to darussalam.. well.. my organisation had theirs outside by the field.. but darussalam mosque started earlier so me and ahamd went to watch as they did the rodeo.. and there was one time where both of us saw something.. a male sheep was trying to mate..!! wth..!! it was doing does pelvic thrusts thingy.. going to die still want to copulate..!!! me and ahmad were laughing like crazy.. it got smacked as the rodeo guys saw wat the sheep was trying to do..

ours was rather different.. we had goats and sheeps.. Goats.. i just hate goats.. they have nasty horns.. put up a big struggle.. their bleats sound damn human.. and they have the guts to jump out of the pen.. well.. i was enthusiastically waiting for my turn. so i went up to my representative and asked him.. "ehh.. when's out turn...??" his reply was.. "go in.. i want a big sheep." --.--" so fast.. i haven't got my sandals removed yet.. so i went in there.. stepping on the shit with my beloved sandals.. got a medium sized sheep out.. my grandfather did the slitting..

So it was a cycle.. rodeo.. on the slaughtering palate.. hold it down as the knife slit's it's throat.. bringing it over to an area where it would drain the remaining blood in the body.. i call this phase "The Last Dance".. coz the dead animal would spasm as the blood drains from it's body.. it's dead.. but it's moving around like it's dancing.. and since it's dead.. it's the last time it moves.. hence the name.. "The Last Dance"..

well.. it was a day to go down in history.. 2 goats jumped out of the pen.. the first one jumped right into the group of rodeo-ers.. so it was caught instantaneously.. it jumped right next to me.. but i wasn't paying attention to it.. i was paying attention to what was happening IN the pen.. the other goats were watching the incident.. and knowing how smart the goats were.. i took a pre-caution.. i knew something extraordinary was going to happen.. so i kept my phone in my back pocket and zipped it up.. then.. it happened..

A goat jumped out.. it jumped out away from the rodeo-ers and into the crowd of onlookers.. the small children and the teenage girls screamed.. i gave a wry smile.. and was the first to react.. as i sprinted after the already running away goat.. behind me were ahmad, adam and taufik.. but i was the closest to the goat.. i could almost reach it.. just a palm away.. dam.. i could have got it at the field.. but it was too fast for me.. my friends instantaneously went panchet.. deflated.. as i continued running after that damned goat.. ahmad was by my side as both of us navigated around walls and pillars as we attempted to get as close as possibel to the goat.. heh.. only both of us were on the heel of the runaway goat.. the others already pancheted and were taking slow jogs.. ahmad n me passed by coffeeshops where the ahpeks and uncles there were like so shocked to see a goat literally stood up from their seats.. we crossed main roads.. stopped traffic.. where some impatient drivers honked non-stop at us and only stopped and slowed down as they saw the goat.. we passed by many carparks.. playgrounds.. basketball courts.. and the public were helpful in pointing, shouting to us the direction of the goat.. some were even shocked as they've never seen a runaway goat before and could only point in the direction of the goat speechless.. the chase went on.. damn.. my ass was starting to hurt.. but strangely.. i wasn't at all tired.. must be the adrenaline.. i ran on and on.. driven by an unknown resolve.. finally.. the goat gave up running.. it was hiding behind a tree.. panting.. i asked for the help of a nearby uncle who along with me and ahmad herded the goat into a tight triangle.. it then saw a gap in the formation and jumped into a drain.. phew.. finally.. the chase was over.. the instant thing that we did was to sit down and catch our breaths.. we left the animal there as the rest of my friends caught up with us.. damn.. we really ran damned far.. clementi ave 4 to clementi ave 2.. sialla damn far..

now the big problem.. getting the animal out.. and carrying it back to the mosque... so we hauled the animal out of the drain.. took a breather as we carried it back to the mosque.. our arrival was greeted with applause.. wow.. heroes of the day.. me and ahmad.. heroes.. rather unsung though.. no one gave us drinks. we had to get them ourselves.. oh well.. being an unsung hero is normal for me..







my victorious pose over the damned runaway goat.. notice that we are at a carpark.. my friends with their shagged faces (the teenage dudes are my friends, the small kids are just extras and we just let them touch the goat)











ehh..!! encik isa.. i want to take photo lahh.. walao.. kacau..















Ahmad playing with a dead sheep..












Me.. caught in the act of doing my duty as a rodeo-er..











Cool Huh.. Bloody feet.. =D