Fuck It..

I just can't seem to get a decent 3 hours of sleep.. i can't seem to sleep anymore.. everytime.. i fall asleep.. on the bed or on my study table at home.. i wake up again.. 18mins later.. then i cannot fall asleep again.. for 4 days it has been going on like this.. i dunno wat's happening.. these familiar yet unknown feelings and thoughts are rampaging thru my head.. irrational feelings.. thoughts without sound clarity.. crazy things.. it is a hard mental war to battle.. and it really is taking its toll on me.. and everytime i study alone.. these feelings and thoughts, torment my heart and mind.. i swear.. tears would well up in eyes as i valiantly fight them back.. it is painful.. yes.. it is painful.. it hurts... it hurts alot..

It hurts so much that even smiling hurts.. coz for the brief moment that i smile.. everything just disappears.. and when the smile dies down.. the sorrow and misery come flooding back.. and the sudden assault pierces my heart.. how it hurts.. that's why my smiles are without emotion.. coz i would then prepare myself for the volley of sorrow and misery that comes barraging into my heart.. fuck it.. wat's wrong with me..?!?!

Now.. i'm deathly sick.. the mental and physical torture is beginning to take its toll on me.. i'm drained of all energy.. physically, mentally and spiritually drained.. i'm exhausted to the core.. yet somehow i am still able to doggedly trudge on.. what's driving me on..?? the hope that the next day would turn out for the best..??

seeing the happy faces on my friends faces warms up my cold heart and removes a portion of the siege of feelings and thoughts on me.. james' warmth of friendliness.. kailin's blur-ness.. timothy's vulnerability to shoots.. anthony's highly informative wisdom.. BK's straight forward jokes.. rachel's gossip.. adelia's tomboyish-ness.. derong's lame ass jokes.. christine's innocent charm.. yazid's cool-ness.. shimin's hyperactive-ness.. chinyan's sauve appeal.. guolong's gay antics and finally shwa juan's beautiful smile.. hah.. my friends.. neither do they know of the part they play in my life in bringing me back from my fall nor how significant their simple actions are capable of removing some of the hatred and resentment in my heart.. hah.. my friends.. i cherish all of them and all the moments that i spend with them.. i dunno how'd i ever made it thru with such hatred in me..



And thus I clothe my naked villainy
With old odd ends stolen forth from holy writ
And seem a saint when most I play the devil.