I now find myself thrown vicarously into a cyclone of frustrating and demoralising events.. With the harshness of reality heavily pelting down on me and time none the more helpful as it runs ever so fast past.. i'm lost and hopeless.. I'm doing things that should not be done.. I'm going against things that cannot be won.. i'm feeling emotions i don't wanna feel.. not again.. why do i find myself thrown back into the dark pit of hopelessness after i have just clambered out of it..?!?!

Why do i think this way..?!? Why do i feel this way..?!? I forbade myself to these things again and it seems that this things are done unto me instead.. I took precautions. I took chances.. I took risks.. i made sacrifices.. yet somehow.. i go against what is deem as rational sense and do things unimaginable, unthought of, unfamiliar..

Once i found myself in such a position and it took a hell lot for me to get myself back up again.. i do not want to fall again.. not anymore.. i'm tired of pulling myself back up.. But the idealogy of falling is taunting me.. It is deemed to be morally and philosophically right and yet it is deemed stupid in the harshness of this fucked up world.. Everything seems to be fucked up.. Maybe i'm just tired.. when we are tired, we are attacked by ideas we conquered long ago.. But there is absolutely no time to take a break.. No time to rest.. No time at all.. NO TIME..

And that's what i hate about time.. it waits for no one.. as i sit and think about the mistakes i make.. time passes by.. time that brings on new, more challenges.. new, more mistakes.. the more time passes... the more mistakes i make.. the more mistakes i make.. the deeper i fall into the surreal pit of insanity..

but there is one thing that i believe in that's the life line between me and a lifetime of remorse.. Faith.. I have faith in God.. Faith that he'll change my life for the better as i strive doggedly to change mine.. God granted me the courage not to give up what i think is right even though i think it is hopeless.. It is resilience thru faith that has seen me thru the harsh times.. It is thru faith that strive ever on.. There is a greater power up there and it lies in my faith in God..

Yet it is hopeless to hold on to ideas and feelings if they are never accepted..

yet why do i still hold on to them..??

Why..??