I find myself somehow in a state of mind where i don't feel like talking anymore. It's like really no mood to talk at all. I just wanna be alone and sit in one corner filled with my own thoughts and do what i just wanna do.

I know I occasionally drift into this mental state of no-talking-ness, but now it's become more frequent and somewhat becomes more of a permanent state of mind where every minute that i'm not engaged in something i'll instantly drift back to it.

Something is just changing about me. I know very well how bad i am at starting conversations. I'm only good at listening and continuing with a conversation, never good at starting one. But now it's kinda different i think. When i'm in this no-talking-ness state of mind, the only thing that i ever do start a conversation with is when i ask questions of things that i don't understand. And when the answer is given and when i understand it, i never continue anymore and i just carry on with what i was doing before. It's like a very very anticlimax kinda thing. It's like, wow engaging and captivating conversation then the next thing u know, i've suddenly dropped out of the conversation and back to what i was doing.

Maybe it has all got something to do with my studies now. I'm like so freakingly engrossed about it. Just totally immersed with understanding what i'm suppose to academically do. Then the moment of no-talking-ness comes when i slowly take my time absorbing the information and letting it settle into my brain and come to fix the logic in the understanding. And as of late, there's an abundant no-talking-ness. So i just simply don't feel like talking anymore. I don't feel like starting a conversation anymore.

When i'm in my no-talking-ness, my friends will come up to me and go "eh! why u so quiet?" and things like that. And yeah, i do understand that i'm a very jovial person who enjoys opening up my mouth. But not anymore. I find no reason to actually talk, if watever's coming out of my mouth is gonna affect someone. Then i would rather just shut up.

Aaaaiiiiiii. i just don't know what's going on with me. It's something strange, yet i somehow like it. I find the no-talking-ness somehow equivalent to meditation. Aiya, i dunno lah. Just remember, that i can still continue conversations, just that i'll be in my no-talking-ness state very often all the time.


If 'A' equals success, then the formula is "A = X + Y + Z" with 'X' being work, 'Y' being play and 'Z' keeping your mouth shut.
- Albert Einstein -

Those who most feel guilt don't need to, while those who most need to feel guilt never do.

Yeah. i feel guilt though i'm not supposed too. I could have prevented alot of bad things from happening but i never did. I could have done something to make things better instead of the way it has turned out now. Things could have been different if I had done something. And i find myself guilty for all the shit that's happening now. Guilty.

The final straw that broke the camel's back. There's a limit to everything. And it most certainly has reached mine. My limit has been reached and i will do everything in my power to set things straight. Holding back won't be an option anymore, immediate retaliation will be the straight answer. No holding back. I have the power and i'm not afraid to use it.

The tides will shift for those who are patient and in the right. The tides will turn against those in the wrong. And i will be the one who rides the tide against them. Even if i don't, the wheels of fate will itself pound everything into balance. And justice will be served.

Retribution will come swift on those unjust and arrogant

As the sabbatical commences, i have to learn how to control my desires and feelings. Now. My studies come first and foremost. I realise now i have a kinda slack timetable, which gives me spare time for me to rush my FYP. Previously, whenever i had free time, i'd spend it doing archery stuff or bow training or form training and the likes of it. Now it's kinda different. Now i'd have to use the spare time revising my work, reading up lecture notes beforehand, understand derivations and things that have got to do with studies. My FYP project is kinda interesting. I'd have to research into the world of photonics a.k.a fibre optics and its application. Something of a new technology area that has never been delved into and my group is crazy, or rather, I am crazy enough to take up this challenge. Well. I'd do anything that will help pull my studies up if i enjoy doing it. This project sounds fun, interesting and challenging. I believe now it's time for me to put those engineering marvels and thoughts that i use in archery and convert them into good use for my FYP. The modules that I do now are very interesting and none of them are boring. well, there are those lectures that are boring but still the practical and tutorials behind it are kinda interesting and challenging. I somehow like it. I like this drive in me to study and challenge myself to intellectual problems.

Don't be too serious about training or competing. I never think about training until I reach the track or gym. I don't think about racing units, the day or night before. Some people think about it weeks ahead and get nervous. What's the point? Save the energy for use on the day. It will happen if it's going to happen -- Linford Christie.

Well. I'm gonna take this advice. For every spare time that i have, i will spend it on studies and research and revision. No point in me bothering archery outside training. Yeah. I will take this advice. I see more of my time will be spent on studies as i strive to salvage myself from my academic demise.

Somehow i've become somewhat of ignorant of what people say about other people. Kinda like ignoring how and what people do to insult others. Insulting others. Hmm. Come to think of it. I know everyone has the right to go about giving their opinion and what they think of others. They can praise them, they can insult them. But. But I applaude those who have the balls to insult people right in the faces of those they're insulting. They have respect for their opponent and have the downright guts to say it. I hate those who go on insulting and complaining about other people behind their backs but in the presence of those people that they're insulting, they just shut up, they become silent. Why? I don't know why. Perhaps afraid? Yeah. I guess they're afraid. Wait. I don't guess their afraid. They ARE afraid. I hate people who go around insulting others but when it comes to saying it in the face of the people they're insulting, they just shrink and shut up. Cowards. Gutless parasites. The world seems to be full of 'em. I call these people bitches regardless of gender. Coz all they do is bitch about. I just can't stand them bitching. Bitch bitch bitch. Well, it's what bitches do, they bitch.

Looking at this issue. It's kinda interesting to hear people bitch and rant about others without even looking at themselves. They go around insulting people yet they fail to realise that they are no different from them. They go around complaining about the actions of others beinf unfair to them, but have they thought about their own actions towards others? Nah. i don't think they think about. Coz their minds are too immature, childish and full of arrogance. I don't think they'd have any space in there.

Well. I do accept the fact that i was once like them. But now, i've grown much mature in thinking. I've grown out of it. Coz i realise that by doing so, i'm no better then them. I won't be them. Not anymore. Never will. I'm independent on my own. Some say that there's a change in me. Well yeah. I believe so too. But after a series of events over the past week. The Change is pretty much sealed into me.


CUATRO..