A shattered dreams production presents:

Not only was my dream shattered. My morale and motivation as well. I never felt such a magnitude of sian-ness during a training day before. I felt so frustrated, so worn out, so empty.

I never had the will to shoot lest even set up my bow. I didn't want to have anything to do with archery. I just wanted to go home. I just accompanied chin yan to zheng hua national range to meet the others. I just sat on the bench there staring at the dark, pebbly tarmac. Staring into the ground from which my dream was derived from. The dream which drove me on. Motivated me every single training day. Encouraging me to carry on. It's gone. The dream is gone. I feel so empty.

Being at zhenghua didn't make things any better. Watching the national archers shoot, watching my friends train as they attempt for the national squad. And where am I? What am I doing? No where. Nothing.

It feels really demoralising. And I believe with it, my performance is going to hit rockbottom again. I don't know. I don't know. I just don't. I don't want my juniors to see their Team Captain all demoralised, it'll affect their performance too. They see me as their motivational figure and i cannot let them down.

I know this is gonna affect me alot. To what extent? I don't know.

something rare here.

I've got some free time to write something.

well well well. i find myself in a rhetorical mood again.. maybe i'll manage to write something long. And since i'm a rhetorical mood, some of my words may mean different things. So don't just go jumping onto conclusions at first glance.

hmm.. i dunno where to start off from..
let's see.. okay. i'll start with what's happening in my life.

ITP. 2 more weeks. my supervisor told me that the shipment of components would be coming this coming week so my short stint with the logistics department is over i guess. There goes all the fun. And the hell starts. All in all, my torturous and testing ITP is coming to an end. I'm gonna miss my work colleagues. And i'm gonna kill someone. Yes truly kill someone. Not in a sudden death type of thing but more of a slow, painful death.

Archery - The club is gunning for a coach. Well not exactly the whole club. But me and Ryan are. So if both of us are agreeing to it then u can call it that way. hmm. wat else? Orh ya. My dream in archery, the dream that constantly keeps me in motivation, the dream that makes me strive ever onward, all i can say about it is that it's shattered. Shattered then the broken pieces are pulverized into smaller pieces then grinded into fine dust. That's how i feel about it. Now i find myself with no point of competing at a top level so i'll just shoot for the sake of shooting and the great feeling of every shot execution. Want to know why my dream is shattered? Ask me in person, i don't want to put it all here.

I've always enjoyed walking. Just wandering aimlessly around from one place to the next. If i know a route to my destination then i'll most definitely choose to walk. Walking is nice. While walking, thoughts of my life just randomly come up. And it makes me think and solve the problems that arise. It makes me think of better ways to do things. It makes me think of how i should run my life. It makes me think. I'm not thinking too much. I'm just putting things into perspective on how they are meant to be in that way, how they will be that way no matter how much it hurts and how it can never turn away from what it's supposed to be. I'm trying to persuade myself to face up to the harshness of reality and force myself to think of things that are probable and not dream of fantasies that can never be achieved. Even now i find myself no longer listening to songs with lyrics. Just music while i'm walking. Something to drive the mind into thinking. Beat music yeah, that's what i would to call it - Beat Music.

Okay enough with the melancholic rhetoric.

Well. while looking around at my everyday life there's one thing that somehow strikes my mind. It happens on the MRT platforms all the time. It is watching people chase after the closing doors of the train.

I just find it simply plain dumb and stupid and it doesn't relate with logical thinking. Let's look at it this way. The announcement goes "doors closing *teet* *teet* *teet* *teet*" then the doors close. Then people. hahaha. These people, they take some time to somehow digest this announcement in their minds and by the time they manage to understand the meaning they start making a run for it. By then the doors will already start moving to close up yet I still find it rather amusing to watch these people chase after the doors. What? They think they're some kind of superhero able to somersault or squeeze throught the doors? What? they think it's like a movie then go sideways and squeeze through like what u see in those slo-mo scenes in the moives. I still don't understand why. Why? Tell me why? The doors are already moving to close up then why? why is there a point in chasing? then they get all angry and frustrated when the doors close up in their face? What they think they're able to get in through that small gap? The doors take just a mere 2 seconds to close and why do people still make a run for the doors? The doors are already halfway closing and they still run for it.

When the doors close, just stop, there's nothing u can do about it. the doors will close up faster then u can even accelerate, just wait for the next train. ahahahah. I just find it really entertaining to watch these people chase after the doors. It's quite funny. It's something i've come to enjoy watching as i sit down waiting for the crowded escalator to clear.

The funny things that people do.

Anyways. I now seem to have developed some sort of a "actions speak louder then words" kind of attitude. I just don't feel like opening up my mouth anymore, not even to crack a joke. I just don't feel like saying anything. Even if i object to something and i know i can deal with it 'diplomatically' then i'll do it action-wise rather then opening up my mouth.



I feel a change in the wind says I.

And so i haven't been updating in a while.Been very busy the past few weeks. ITP and the organisation of SP Open.

SP Open was a disaster. Everything went bad. Everything. But somehow, it ended up smoothly, yet somehow i feel very disappointed and upset about it. Of how simple things can be carried out smoothly if not for the arrogance, laziness and apparent lack of initiative from the archers of the club. The club lacks discipline, commitment and bond. Useless fucks.

I failed as an organiser, i failed as the team captain, i failed as an archer, i failed as a person. This event surely has demoralised me to the point comparable to that of the rockbottom i hit some months ago. It's just all very very demoralising. Everything just sucked. And my illness wasn't helping that much. SP Open 2008 was a disaster.I really would like to appreciate the help of the derong and chinyan for helping out in watever way they could and it really helped alot. Thanks alot. Thank you year 1s, thanks for sucking so much.

*sigh*

ITP.. well.. a slight turn from the slavery of soldering and assembling the controller boxes. As the days turned into weeks i realise now how the work that i do, this project, is pure slavery of a man's absent mindedness and greed to make a name for himself.

Luckily, my supervisor and colleagues there are very motivating and helpful. They're full of advice and jokes. They never fail to turn each torturous day into a relatively fine one.

Well. now. the production of the controller boxes has been stopped for god-knows-what. and i'm attached to the logistics department. It's really fun. I get to do lots of interesting stuff. But what i like the most is when the substitute driver calls on me to help him make deliveries. I become some sort of a navigator. Like like the navigator of a race car in a rally. It's real cool. And the driver is simply spectacular in his driving skills even though he's new at driving. Navigating is fun. I get to see lots of places and read road names i never heard of.

ah well..

i have to study even harder when school re-opens. have this urge to just do very well. have been slacking the past year. something must have slapped me right in the face and tell me "HAFIZ..!! Wake up lah u asshole.. u need to study hard dumbass..!! "..
yeah.. something like that.. yeah. like that.

memories of a happier past come haunting back.
the sensation of the memories can be felt as if it were the the very time it happened,
the feelings crawl against my skin,
pressing against my shoulders.
I feel 'em again, this memories.
They wrench my chest, where my heart used to be.
I sigh.
Insecure.
Sad.
Sorrowful.
Hopeless.