Solitude..

as the days pass by.. ever so immersed in anger, rage, jealousy, envy and hatred.. i have but no choice then to reside back into solitude that i was once in before..

but now.. it's a different type of solitude.. when i was young.. solitude was a painful thing.. but now.. now.. things have changed.. i now have maturity of mind.. now.. solitude is delightful..

solitude and silence..

yeah.. that's what i'm inevitably immersed into.. solitude and silence..

it is in solitude that we give passionate attention to our lives.. to our memories.. to the details around us.. silence.. Silence is the universal refuge.. the seqeul to dull discourses and all foolish acts.. a balm to our every vexation marked by disappointment and humiliation.. as welcome after satiety as after disappointment..

sometimes.. when i'm really lonely.. i really feel alive.. and i feel like i know who i truly am.. Being solitary is being alone well.. being alone luxuriously immersed in doings of my own choice.. aware of the fullness of my won presence rather than of the absence of others.. Because solitude is an achievement..

but do not confuse solitude for loneliness.. loneliness is the poverty of self.. whereas solitude.. solitude is richness of self.. loneliness expresses the pain of being alone.. solitude.. solitude expresses the glory of being alone..

sometimes.. sometimes.. i catch myself listening to the sound of my own voice.. i thought that in her eyes i would ascent to an angelical stature.. and.. as i attached the fervent nature of my friends more and more closely to myself.. i heard the strange impersonal voice which i recognised as my own.. insisting on my soul's incurable loneliness.. "we cannot give ourselves" the voice in me said.. "We are our own."..

and sometimes.. sometimes.. i feel like i'm a stepping stone.. i am that kind, young man that will change a starnger's life forver.. and be burned out of memory in the back of their minds.. i was that young man with sad ebony eyes.. the kind smile.. the one that offered you a helping hand and good conversation while you ate your food..

It is no surprise to me that hardly anyone tells the truth about how they feel.. the smart ones keep themselves to themselves for good reason.. why would you want to tell anyone anything that's dear to you..?? Even when you like them and want nothing more than to be closer than close to them..?? It's so painful to be next to someone you feel strongly about and know you can't say the things you want to..

it is hopeless to try to be noticed.. noticed for the simple things that i do that changes ur lives.. i'm just a nobody.. it is in solitude that i find refuge.. it is in solitude that i distant myself away from the sources of my anger.. my rage.. my jealousy.. my envy.. my hatred.. it is thru solitude that i am able to be in peace with myself.. no one hears me.. no one understands me.. i speak in silence thru my solitude.. and people say that music and silence combine strongly.. because music is done with silence.. and silence is full of music.. funny.. funny how it is when i'm in my solitude that i find myself humming a catchy sad, melancholic tune.. notably the song "lonely" by deep spirit.. the title of the song speaks for itself doesn't it..?? All lonely.. and then humming the tune "lonely"..

*sigh*..

i have nothing to say about myself.. silence speaks for itself.. it's just really that demoralising.. everything is.. from the things that i do.. to the people i hang around with.. everything that i do.. will follow with anger, rage, jealousy, envy and hatred.. is this all a test..?? a test of my patience and persistence..?? is it..?? it really hurts.. to see that the many things that i have done to get things back on track.. to make other people see a different perspective to life in a much delightful way.. and the things and people just go on back to the very source of their own problems.. and they just treat u like a nobody.. a pain in the ass.. an idiot.. an asshole.. i have no more to describe myself.. i really am an idiotic asshole.. an idiotic asshole to stand by the very people whom u splurge ur heart out to make them happy.. and yet.. yet.. they cast u aside.. forgetting all about u.. as they are immersed in their happiness.. they forget everything and everyone..

i feel.. i really don't wanna care about them anymore.. but.. but.. it never feels right.. then why..?? why am i with the very source of my demise..?? the only thing that runs thru my head is that.. it never feels right.. and everything would turn out for the best.. as if.. but nonetheless.. i still continue.. i still stand by these people thru thick and thin.. suffering a fate worse than death.. i stand.. never appreciated.. never noticed.. never thanked.. never..

i stand..

in silence..

and..

solitude..

Heh..

wat the hell..

how really unfair the world really is.. how the scale of life tips downwards in my direction and high up for others.. heh.. wat the hell.. i'm jealous.. i'm envious.. yes.. i'm all hateful and green-eyed.. but is it fair..?!?! Hell No.. i most certainly don't think so.. it most certainly ain't fair..

It ain't fair to people like me.. who have to bleed every single cent.. starve every single dollar.. just to save barely enough to acquire the stuff i want.. it just ain't fair.. how my stomach rumbles as i hold back my hunger.. how my thin body shakes with the fraility of lack of sufficient food.. how i hold myself back from purchasing unnecessary stuff so that the money stays in the pocket.. the money stays folded up in my wallet.. sometimes i fold them into hearts.. and when i use the money.. i have to unfold and destroy the heart-shaped origami.. well.. it most certainly feels that way.. every single dollar heart unfolded is like ripping a piece outta wats left of my heart..

*sigh*..

how i have to live with it.. the pain.. the anger.. the frustration.. the jealousy.. the envy.. the hatred.. it's just ain't fair.. the amount of money u save.. the amount of time i spend just saving it up.. the amount of patience i have to contend with just to be enable to purchase those items that i dearly wanted.. and then suddenly u see people having the stuff of ur dreams and they got by means of connections and fame.. it's like "wat the hell..?!?!" here u are saving like fuck just for the money.. and there are people out there just getting it like freebies.. wait.. they are getting them as freebies.. wat the fuck..?!?! this ain't fair.. this ain't no FUCKING fair..!! it's just not fair..!!

drowning in despair.. already i'm disadvantage by means that those richer people are buying much better stuff than mine.. i'm abit fine with that.. but nonetheless uncomfortable and uneasy with it.. these people were born in to well-off families.. me..?? i was born into a moderate, average family.. and nonetheless grateful of that.. but then.. already disadvantaged like i said earlier.. and then these people get freebies.. wat the hell.. no.. wat the FUCK..!?!?!

it's just beyond description the way i feel towards this unfairness.. it's like crying then going breathless and then not being able to breathe.. it's like a strangle.. it's like a choke.. it hurts.. and it's beyond feeling..

but..

but..

i have several things that separates me from the others.. willpower.. hardwork and faith..

these will see me thru... as they have done before..

i realise now that i cannot wait until everything is just right.. if i wait to do everything until i'm sure it's right.. i'll probably do nothing at all.. it will never be perfect.. There will always be challenges.. obstacles.. and less than perfect conditions.. So what.. i should get started now.. with each step i take.. i will grow stronger and stronger.. more and more skilled.. more and more self confident.. and ultimately.. more and more successful..

hardwork.. heh.. i realised this.. when i complained how talented other people are than me.. other people are not more talented than me.. they've simply tried harder.. the more i practice.. the more talented i become.. those who have never made mistakes have never done anything.. and i most certainly have made alot of mistakes.. never harbour a dream for fear of losing that dream.. attack that dream with and iron resolve and conviction..

an iron resolve.. and.. conviction..

and people say that they've work hard and nothing seems to be going on well for them.. hah.. i once found myself in the same position.. and i've derived a solution to this mentality..

if nothing seems to be working out after working hard.. don't change the goals.. the goals are fine.. nothing wrong with them.. it's the steps taken to achieve these goals.. if the steps are not working out.. change the steps.. approach the goal in a different way.. change the steps towards the goal.. not change the goals.. change the steps..

hah.. i realise that i have many things and so-called words of wisdom that i realise i come up with and they all make sense to me.. wanna know how i find wisdom..??

easy..

walk the world and you'll find your soul.. search your soul and you'll discover the world..

think about it..

FITA 900..

am i up for it..??
a golden opportunity lies in wait..
a gauge for my performance..
wat the hell..
i'm up for the challenge..

i'd think i'd try something new..

je suis dans l'amour avec quelqu'un que je ne peux pas avoir.
la douleur.
il blesse.
je dois.
cachez la douleur.
et continuez.

il se sent.
comme.
je suis mort.
mais encore
respiration

je pense
c'est meilleur
comme ceci
pour voir
si
ils vraiment s'inquiètent


don't ask me what it means it would be in conflict with the 3rd paragraph.. find the translation for urself.. it's in french..

neglected..
unappreciated..
just another person..
unnoticed..
unthanked..
the light of truth fails to dimmer..
was ever hoping for things to change..
but..
no..
it just gets ever worse for me..
the anger..
the envy..
the jealously..
the hatred..
it all comes down to one verdict..
i must change..
no..
not change..
revert..
i must revert back to my former self..
the shadow..
always around..
but unnoticed..
always there..
but unappreciated..
always helping..
but unthanked..
wonder if i do go back to my former self..
will anyone still notice me..
do i have to be unnoticed to be noticed..

slowly drifting away..
have always been drifting..
but drifting ever further now..

why is it..
that when..
i've found a heart within myself..
i felt happy feelings..
it has to be taken away from me again..
now..
i feel..
nothing..
nothing at all..
Nothing..

emotionless..
heartless..
cold..
and..

Dead..

Bitten..

i dunno how to start this entry.. it's like a whirlpool of whirling thoughts in my mind.. i dunno how to put it all down..

well.. bitten.. i was bitten so hard on several occasions yesterday.. each varying in different degrees of pain, hurt. anger and hatred.. each striking the different aspects of my life..

it started out with a fine morning.. not until he came along.. a man i respectED.. a man who changed the way i see things in archery.. a man who eventually took away my respect for him with the words that came out of his mouth.. it was all fine.. not until he questioned my decision to not compete in today's competition.. i gave him my reasons.. it was simple.. i told him i was not ready.. and he just had to question my decison with such stinging words of sarcasm and distrust.. it wasn't questions that he gave me but hidden tainted messages.. it was like.. "If u're not cut out for it.. don't do it..".. and indeed the poison crept its way into me.. he was the man who taught me 3 simple words.. "Go For It".. and these words has always been the source of undying fervor.. and here.. he's contradicting himself.. tell u wat sir.. i'm gonna make u eat those words.. there are already a few people whom i want to make them eat their own words.. well.. i'm gonna make them eat their words.. i'm gonna shove it down their throats so hard it'll hurt..

his words struck me with such potency.. it honestly hurt.. i even had to spend some emo time alone to absorb the words that he said..

then.. i was bitten by someone.. the harshness of words.. *grimace*.. the ungratefulness.. how "nice".. nevermind.. part and parcel of my life.. people needing my help then go dissing me and casting of to one side.. i'm used to the it..

then.. as i was absorbed by the swirl of anger.. i walked around the campus and watched some people playing soccer.. somehow.. they invited me to join them.. and i was foolish enough to do so.. the moment i touched the ball.. i gave it back to the opposition.. it was all being re-played.. the time i realised that i can never play soccer again was relived.. my strength.. it was all gone.. my stamina.. again all gone.. it was foolish of me to ever tried to play soccer.. i should have just rejected their offer.. damn.. why was i so stupid..?! then this guy.. he said something that bit me.. "so weak.. i push u one time u fall.. go back to ur archery lah.." and went back i did.. i must get it thru my head that i can never ever play soccer anymore.. i'm useless at it.. have always been and always will be.. it brought back memories.. painful memories.. when i was on the peak of my performance.. with ppl wanting me to play on their teams.. everyone knew how good i was.. was.. it will stay a "was".. i'm a has-been.. and the things archers say about soccer players..

then to top it all up for the day.. i dunno why he did it.. but he did it.. he dissed me off.. if he had a problem with me.. he can say it to my face.. i just hate cowards who criticise behind people's backs.. shows how much of a pussy they are.. i even had someone to slap my face to calm me down..

patience.. why do i have to be so patient to insolent fools who always diss me off concurrently..?! why am i so patient..?!


all i can say is that the anger is building up in me in with such ferocity and tenacity like never before..

i see myself as a sponge.. yes.. a sponge.. a sponge to absorb all the hatred, criticism, sarcasm, insults.. i just absorb 'em all.. never leaving a drop of hate unabsorbed.. and like everything.. this sponge has a limit.. a limit of absorption that it can take.. anymore it'll leak.. and i believe i have reached my limit.. and slowly.. it's leaking.. it doesn't get squeezed out in one go.. that would be disastrous.. the sponge in me is leaking.. hate and anger is spilling out.. i'm getting more immersed in anger.. i now see things in thru the eyes of anger and hate.. and they say,yoda said.. anger and hate leads to suffering.. well i think not.. i've suffered long enough.. it's time to cast aside the patient me and unleash the angry and hateful me..

i see my sickeness.. my sore throat.. my rasping cough.. as a blessing in disguise.. it's the way of God to show me that it's better for me to keep my mouth shut.. it's better for me to just shut the fuck up and let my actions to the talking.. wise men speak becoz they have something to say.. fools speak coz they have to say something..

standing here in the twilight.. there are things that i see.. i hear.. i learn..

Finally..

a day of training without me ever worrying about my arrow rest.. coz i bought a new one..!! well.. technically.. i didn't buy it.. shwajuan bought it for me.. hah.. but nonetheless.. Hah..!! A new shiny magnetic flip rest..!! so cool..!! i just like to play with the flipper thingy when i'm not shooting.. so.. so.. enticing.. ahahahhah.. *flip*.. *flip*.. *flip*.. ahahahhhahahh.. wth..

since i didn't need to worry much about my rest.. my shooting was going on well.. and i no longer can blame the arrow rest for my mistakes.. *damn*.. ahahhahahah.. well.. shot mostly 50m today.. Oooo.. so cool..!! never in my life have i shot 50m with so much enthusiasm.. back when i was using the club's 24lbs wooden bow and shooting 50m.. i would be like "damn.. fly straight.. fly straight.. no wind.. no wind..".. ahahhahaha.. 24lbs can reach 50m.. but cannot tahan when the wind blow.. later the arrow go wiggly.. and then either miss or hit green.. ahhahahhah.. damn.. why am i feeling so high..?!?!

there's this pain in my upper arm.. the part where the muscle bulge meets ur biceps.. there.. hah.. well.. doesn't seem to affect archery since it's only the use of back muscles and the triceps.. so.. no injuring it further during training today.. shot well form SJ's point of view.. but.. i don't think so.. my grouping is everywhere.. the occasional arrow in the 10pt ring would bring me joy.. hah..

one thing happened today.. i dry-fired..!! hah.. i dry-fired in my face..!! i was shooting 50m.. load arrow.. draw.. seek.. aim.. hold.. expand.. skali.. i feel something wrong.. then i saw my arrow drop of the rest.. then when i was about to bail out of the full draw the nock of the loaded arrow came off the string.. then when the arrow fell fully off the rest.. *click*.. i released.. then *BAM*..!!!!!!! Ooooo...!!! High..!! ahahahahah.. it did hurt for a moment though.. my jaw and my bow arm.. hah.. then after that ah.. it seemed to have woken up my subconciousness.. not only mine but GL as well.. then we started to shoot properly.. hahahhahahah.. damn funny lah... i was laughing at myself all the time.. GL and BK thought i was going crazy.. coz everytime.. we walked back after retrieving arrows from the 50m board.. i would start laughing.. ahahahhahah.. can't help myself..












there seems to be an abundance of anger, frustration and envy in me.. sinful.. yes.. extremely sinful.. but i never did express it.. i just harboured in myself.. and tell myself.. that this range of volatile emotions in me are the cause of the state of being that i am in.. under priveleged in many sorts and i'd just have to accept that fact.. But nonetheless.. they are still raging thru me.. sometimes i figure that the thing keeping me alive is the burning rage of anger in myself that keeps me going thru the unfairness of life.. it's truly fuckingly unfair and proud to say it coz there's not point in hiding that fact.. and i've found a way to use this anger and rage.. i use 'em to fuel my burning desire to perform better.. i use 'em to keep my fists clench as i restrain myself from the burning desire to be somebody.. to show ppl.. what i'm capable off.. and that i'm not just a-low-life-dumbass-upgraded-to-an-idiot-but-downgraded-later-to-an-asshole.. but someone of great talent and achievement.. someone whom ppl will look up to.. just to show them that i am someone.. just someone.. someone.. Someone..

For my archery peeps who do read my blog..
here's a great link to a common problem that we all have including myself..
i'm sure it'll help alot.. coz reading it already seems to be working wonders to my morale..

http://www.archery-forum.com/showthread.php?t=7034