Bitten..

i dunno how to start this entry.. it's like a whirlpool of whirling thoughts in my mind.. i dunno how to put it all down..

well.. bitten.. i was bitten so hard on several occasions yesterday.. each varying in different degrees of pain, hurt. anger and hatred.. each striking the different aspects of my life..

it started out with a fine morning.. not until he came along.. a man i respectED.. a man who changed the way i see things in archery.. a man who eventually took away my respect for him with the words that came out of his mouth.. it was all fine.. not until he questioned my decision to not compete in today's competition.. i gave him my reasons.. it was simple.. i told him i was not ready.. and he just had to question my decison with such stinging words of sarcasm and distrust.. it wasn't questions that he gave me but hidden tainted messages.. it was like.. "If u're not cut out for it.. don't do it..".. and indeed the poison crept its way into me.. he was the man who taught me 3 simple words.. "Go For It".. and these words has always been the source of undying fervor.. and here.. he's contradicting himself.. tell u wat sir.. i'm gonna make u eat those words.. there are already a few people whom i want to make them eat their own words.. well.. i'm gonna make them eat their words.. i'm gonna shove it down their throats so hard it'll hurt..

his words struck me with such potency.. it honestly hurt.. i even had to spend some emo time alone to absorb the words that he said..

then.. i was bitten by someone.. the harshness of words.. *grimace*.. the ungratefulness.. how "nice".. nevermind.. part and parcel of my life.. people needing my help then go dissing me and casting of to one side.. i'm used to the it..

then.. as i was absorbed by the swirl of anger.. i walked around the campus and watched some people playing soccer.. somehow.. they invited me to join them.. and i was foolish enough to do so.. the moment i touched the ball.. i gave it back to the opposition.. it was all being re-played.. the time i realised that i can never play soccer again was relived.. my strength.. it was all gone.. my stamina.. again all gone.. it was foolish of me to ever tried to play soccer.. i should have just rejected their offer.. damn.. why was i so stupid..?! then this guy.. he said something that bit me.. "so weak.. i push u one time u fall.. go back to ur archery lah.." and went back i did.. i must get it thru my head that i can never ever play soccer anymore.. i'm useless at it.. have always been and always will be.. it brought back memories.. painful memories.. when i was on the peak of my performance.. with ppl wanting me to play on their teams.. everyone knew how good i was.. was.. it will stay a "was".. i'm a has-been.. and the things archers say about soccer players..

then to top it all up for the day.. i dunno why he did it.. but he did it.. he dissed me off.. if he had a problem with me.. he can say it to my face.. i just hate cowards who criticise behind people's backs.. shows how much of a pussy they are.. i even had someone to slap my face to calm me down..

patience.. why do i have to be so patient to insolent fools who always diss me off concurrently..?! why am i so patient..?!


all i can say is that the anger is building up in me in with such ferocity and tenacity like never before..

i see myself as a sponge.. yes.. a sponge.. a sponge to absorb all the hatred, criticism, sarcasm, insults.. i just absorb 'em all.. never leaving a drop of hate unabsorbed.. and like everything.. this sponge has a limit.. a limit of absorption that it can take.. anymore it'll leak.. and i believe i have reached my limit.. and slowly.. it's leaking.. it doesn't get squeezed out in one go.. that would be disastrous.. the sponge in me is leaking.. hate and anger is spilling out.. i'm getting more immersed in anger.. i now see things in thru the eyes of anger and hate.. and they say,yoda said.. anger and hate leads to suffering.. well i think not.. i've suffered long enough.. it's time to cast aside the patient me and unleash the angry and hateful me..

i see my sickeness.. my sore throat.. my rasping cough.. as a blessing in disguise.. it's the way of God to show me that it's better for me to keep my mouth shut.. it's better for me to just shut the fuck up and let my actions to the talking.. wise men speak becoz they have something to say.. fools speak coz they have to say something..

standing here in the twilight.. there are things that i see.. i hear.. i learn..