I'm all alone now.. stuck at home.. with nothing to do.. my whole extended family is off to malaysia.. they'll be back when the holiday period is over.. back in 3 days time..

I did something that i have never done in a long time.. i went to play soccer.. yes.. i felt it was the right moment for it.. no archery training.. no nothing.. just perfect for playing soccer with the right kind of people..

And so i thought..

once the ball started rolling.. once the ball touched my feet.. everything went wrong.. everything.. the touch that i had oh so magically is gone.. gone.. totally gone.. every dribble i made was cut short.. as i passed the ball easily passed the ball over to the other opposition.. every move my team made.. i stopped it.. i stopped it coz i screwed it all up.. i screwed it all up.. i never felt so worthless.. it was totally worthless.. i was just a parasite, a leech on the field.. i couldn't get anything right.. i couldn't get anything right at all.. my unwavering stamina has diminished.. early into the match and i was already running out of breath.. i was losing it.. as i stood there on the field and watched as my "friends" played.. i just stood there and did nothing.. just literally stood there.. i couldn't do anything.. they didn't give me the ball coz they knew that i would only give it back to the opposition.. i was useless.. And to top it all up.. the pain of the injury came back.. now i walked with a fucking limp.. it'll be awhile before i play soccer again..

Fuck It..

i can never do anything right.. i'm useless.. i have never did anything right.. everything seems to go wrong with every single thing that i do.. in soccer.. in archery.. in everything.. everything that i do.. it always goes wrong.. it's like i've been cursed or something like that.. i have never felt so worthless in my life before.. i was never meant to be someone.. i will always be a nobody..

As i sat down in my bathroom.. with cold water showered onto my body.. thoughts ran thru my mind.. thoughts.. i reflected back on how fuckingly bad i played soccer and what thoughts that ran thru my mind during the course of the match.. guess i was right from the very start.. i can do nothing.. i'm just a nobody.. i'm totally utterly useless in every aspect of my life.. i can never do things right.. i seem to be repeating myself but i really thing the repeatition speaks for itself how much i hate myself.. i'm never good at anything.. i can't play soccer.. i can't keep good grades.. i can't take care of things.. i can't shoot well.. let's just simply put it.. i can't do anything..

Everything in my life changed when i saw how things were put into perspective.. i was never to enjoy life.. freedom of thought.. freedom of actions.. freedom of will.. freedom to love.. freedom.. everything shackled when it dawned onto me that i can never lead a normal life.. everything was in conflict of what i who i was meant to be and where i was suppose to end up.. i have to sacrifice everything which was dear to me.. it was a pact i never made.. it was a pact i was born into.. it was a pact that promised me good things later in life.. a pact that sees me hopelessly clinging onto a principle that my life would probably end in eternal bliss.. probably.. a huge risk.. many sacrifices have to be made for this risk.. i tried playing with the sacrifices i made.. but they all fell and nothing else pointed it out that the way for me was to be a nobody.. A total nobody.. alone.. different.. exiled.. Ppl call me weird.. call me crazy for the things that i uncommonly do.. but little do they know.. that these weird, crazy actions are the only ways for me to obtain temporary happiness.. temporary.. before i plunge into the reality of truth.. the truth i can never embrace but nonetheless have to live with..

i know.. this may be some confusing shit.. if u happen to have any questions.. keep it to yourself.. the answers would probably throw u into greater confusion..