Solitude..

as the days pass by.. ever so immersed in anger, rage, jealousy, envy and hatred.. i have but no choice then to reside back into solitude that i was once in before..

but now.. it's a different type of solitude.. when i was young.. solitude was a painful thing.. but now.. now.. things have changed.. i now have maturity of mind.. now.. solitude is delightful..

solitude and silence..

yeah.. that's what i'm inevitably immersed into.. solitude and silence..

it is in solitude that we give passionate attention to our lives.. to our memories.. to the details around us.. silence.. Silence is the universal refuge.. the seqeul to dull discourses and all foolish acts.. a balm to our every vexation marked by disappointment and humiliation.. as welcome after satiety as after disappointment..

sometimes.. when i'm really lonely.. i really feel alive.. and i feel like i know who i truly am.. Being solitary is being alone well.. being alone luxuriously immersed in doings of my own choice.. aware of the fullness of my won presence rather than of the absence of others.. Because solitude is an achievement..

but do not confuse solitude for loneliness.. loneliness is the poverty of self.. whereas solitude.. solitude is richness of self.. loneliness expresses the pain of being alone.. solitude.. solitude expresses the glory of being alone..

sometimes.. sometimes.. i catch myself listening to the sound of my own voice.. i thought that in her eyes i would ascent to an angelical stature.. and.. as i attached the fervent nature of my friends more and more closely to myself.. i heard the strange impersonal voice which i recognised as my own.. insisting on my soul's incurable loneliness.. "we cannot give ourselves" the voice in me said.. "We are our own."..

and sometimes.. sometimes.. i feel like i'm a stepping stone.. i am that kind, young man that will change a starnger's life forver.. and be burned out of memory in the back of their minds.. i was that young man with sad ebony eyes.. the kind smile.. the one that offered you a helping hand and good conversation while you ate your food..

It is no surprise to me that hardly anyone tells the truth about how they feel.. the smart ones keep themselves to themselves for good reason.. why would you want to tell anyone anything that's dear to you..?? Even when you like them and want nothing more than to be closer than close to them..?? It's so painful to be next to someone you feel strongly about and know you can't say the things you want to..

it is hopeless to try to be noticed.. noticed for the simple things that i do that changes ur lives.. i'm just a nobody.. it is in solitude that i find refuge.. it is in solitude that i distant myself away from the sources of my anger.. my rage.. my jealousy.. my envy.. my hatred.. it is thru solitude that i am able to be in peace with myself.. no one hears me.. no one understands me.. i speak in silence thru my solitude.. and people say that music and silence combine strongly.. because music is done with silence.. and silence is full of music.. funny.. funny how it is when i'm in my solitude that i find myself humming a catchy sad, melancholic tune.. notably the song "lonely" by deep spirit.. the title of the song speaks for itself doesn't it..?? All lonely.. and then humming the tune "lonely"..

*sigh*..

i have nothing to say about myself.. silence speaks for itself.. it's just really that demoralising.. everything is.. from the things that i do.. to the people i hang around with.. everything that i do.. will follow with anger, rage, jealousy, envy and hatred.. is this all a test..?? a test of my patience and persistence..?? is it..?? it really hurts.. to see that the many things that i have done to get things back on track.. to make other people see a different perspective to life in a much delightful way.. and the things and people just go on back to the very source of their own problems.. and they just treat u like a nobody.. a pain in the ass.. an idiot.. an asshole.. i have no more to describe myself.. i really am an idiotic asshole.. an idiotic asshole to stand by the very people whom u splurge ur heart out to make them happy.. and yet.. yet.. they cast u aside.. forgetting all about u.. as they are immersed in their happiness.. they forget everything and everyone..

i feel.. i really don't wanna care about them anymore.. but.. but.. it never feels right.. then why..?? why am i with the very source of my demise..?? the only thing that runs thru my head is that.. it never feels right.. and everything would turn out for the best.. as if.. but nonetheless.. i still continue.. i still stand by these people thru thick and thin.. suffering a fate worse than death.. i stand.. never appreciated.. never noticed.. never thanked.. never..

i stand..

in silence..

and..

solitude..