Aargghhh..!!!

Still sick.. *sniff*.. but i feel abit better.. didn't go to zhenghua today.. hopefully tmr i can train well.. and hopefully i can get a team.. most probably.. i'll team up with brandon and lionel.. how much i sucked for the trial.. but i managed to qualify and that's all that matters..

i've made the decision to go on with the event.. no matter how much i sucked during the trial.. i wanna redeem myself again at the actual event.. i know i can do it.. i will do it.. i will prove myself once more.. the most important thing is for me to gain experience from this event.. i will get to know new friends..

i have faith in myself.. if i had the courage to begin, then i have the courage to succeed.. i rmb i said this to someone and that someone did succeed.. dunno whether that person did listen to me..

anyways.. if i had the courage to brave odds and challenge myself to this event.. and now that i've qualified.. there's no turning back.. the same courage that saw my weakened self thru the trial will see me thru the main event again.. courage.. that's what i proudly have.. the courage to go against all odds without a moment's pause.. as i find myself caught in the moment.. adrenaline pulsing thru my veins.. i will succeed.. i will emerge victorious..


i cannot defect.. not when i'm in this deep.. the friends i have made.. the people whom i trust.. the ppl who have trust and faith in me.. i cannot defect.. i cannot betray them.. i cannot leave them.. i cannot.. maybe the time when i thought of defecting.. it was the only probable and quick solution to my problems.. but now.. i've found a better solution.. so my decision has been made.. i will not defect.. never.. thru thick and thin.. i will never defect..

Deathly sick..

*sniff*..

*cough cough cough*..

*HHAAAA---CHOOOO...!!!!!*

*sniff*.. yeah.. i'm deathly sick.. a rasping cough.. runny nose.. fever.. teary eyes.. *sniff*.. damn it.. so sick..

why am i always falling sick so easily..?? weak..?? yes.. i guess.. but in a different way.. it is said in my religion.. that when a person is sick.. God is forgiving him of his sins.. and i believe.. God is forgiving my sins.. He has put me into this weak state for me to remember Him.. this weak, helpless painful state.. He wants me to remember Him.. He wants me back.. There was once.. my life was great.. i prayed to Him all the time.. i was happy.. i thanked Him everytime i prayed to Him for the happiness that He put in my life.. i was undisturbed by problems.. i was clean.. i was happy..

Until..

Until.. He tested me.. He tested my strength and faith.. He plunged me into a life of misery and sorrow.. He tested me.. And i failed it.. i began to lose faith in Him.. i hated Him for the misery and sorrow that he poured into my life.. i hated Him for i was his faithful believer and i was happy and He had to end it all.. it was a test from Him and I failed it.. I failed it.. i failed myself.. i failed Him.. I reluctantly prayed to Him.. Ever so confused on why He had to put me thru this misery.. I lost trust in Him.. i admit it.. i lost trust in Him.. i admit it.. I lost faith in Him..

But now.. seeing that i've changed for the better.. and my heart is willing to accept guidance once more.. He has taken this opportunity to tell me that He wants me back.. And i will come back.. I will the ever praying, ever faithful believer.. He wants me back.. and i will return myself to my pious state as i was before..

I will return to Him..

cold..

yeah.. that's what i've seem to become.. cold..

i've become hard.. i've become cold..

as the days pass by.. i'm becoming more solemn.. more cold.. i've become hard.. i've become somewhat like that of a statue.. emotionless.. soulless.. no one notices me.. nobody bothers about.. i'm just there.. it's like i've turned into a ghost.. i dunno wat's becoming of me.. anger and hatred never rests in me.. it still rages on.. it still burns.. it burns everything..

love.. i cannot say that love is non-existent in me.. for i may love.. and yet not admit it.. i love archery.. i love my friends.. i love my belongings.. love is ever existent in me.. i cannot deny it.. it's just when i deny it.. it's just that it's when i'm forced not to love which has caused me to become cold, to become hard.. i put myself under this suffering.. for i am not given the freedom to express love.. i can only love from afar.. the love that kindles in ur heart to see the person and people i love all happy.. and i smile inside.. i may put up a solemn face.. but the thing that gives me away is when my eyes smile.. i hate it when that happens.. hah.. i hate it when ppl catch me smiling thru my eyes when i put up a solemn face..

when the heart is forced not to love.. the heart dies along with the owner of the heart with it..

everything's in chaos now.. everything and everyone.. my life.. the life i never wanted.. the life i had.. it's returning.. the life of singularity and solitude.. i can't help it.. i can't get away from the chaos.. it's like i'm drawn to it.. yet not with it.. only by the outskirts.. willing to catch and bring back up any whom are thrown viciously out.. i'm like a safeguard net.. a net where ppl would fall onto and be comforted that i'm there for them.. and yet some ppl wonder how and why i manage to keep up with wat i do.. it's simple.. maintain a neutral state.. my simplicity of not getting involved in complex situations has seen me this far.. and like everything.. this "net" that i provide.. it's starting to break.. why..?? as i "rescue" ppl.. i unwillingly get caught up in it.. but yet.. not taking sides maintaining the oh so important neutral state.. but.. as i valiantly try to wrest control and order to the situation.. i get hurt in the process.. i get hurt for things unrelated to me..

my life has hit a level of rockbottom i believe i cannot get out from.. but yet.. i remain faithful.. semper fidelis.. to the ppl i love.. for i know that they need me there.. and as i weather thru my life oh so full of hate and unfairness.. they see me as innocent.. they see me as "untouched".. but yet.. they do not know what actually rages in me.. And they say.. Beware the fury of a patient man.. i am patient.. and the fury in me.. i myself am afraid of it.. i'm afraid that in my moment of blind rage.. i hurt the ones i love.. i'm afraid of my own fury and anger.. but.. i hold it at bay.. my fury.. my rage.. my anger.. my hatred.. none will witness it.. for it will never be witness..

right now.. another thing rages in my heart.. i'm thinking of defecting.. i'll give it a year to think it over..

Dunno how to begin this entry..

let's start with the latest archery camp.. how was it..?? it was nice.. i guess.. i was appointed the role as game master along with jonathan.. pretty tough job coz the time in the camp is spent playing games.. due to the bad weather, logistics (termites..) and administrative difficulties the REAL archery training had to be cancelled.. hmm.. seen some potential.. dunno why now i've decided to teach and shoot at the same time.. if guolong could do it.. then so can i.. i think.. there's this particular guy (dowan to mention name) from nadiah's group that i'm particularly interested in having him as my student.. he's the current one that i want to have as a student so far.. i see potential in him.. hope that chinyan would allow me to have him as my student upon my request.. a new batch of year 1s would be coming down this sat.. maybe see other potential talents.. and also the guai lan non-SP bred archers would be turning up as well.. so.. i'll see whether their stuck up attitudes fit their shooting..

well.. mainly played games.. so there was nothing that much interesting for me to do.. since my life is all about archery.. was rather disappointed that there was not much time spent on shooting.. THE WHOLE MAIN OBJECTIVE OF THE CAMP...!!!! there was too much theory but little practical.. so abit disappointed about that.. would love to see the year 1s shoot..

anyways.. on saturday.. jonathan took helm of the games as i needed to rest for the trial the following day.. yazid was present.. so.. yazid, anthony, cheong keat, james and I we were like playing campus climbing.. it's climbing without the aid of ur legs.. and we did it on the flight of stairs under salc.. we were to climb upwards backwards.. sounds weird.. but that's what we did.. we were climbing upwards.. but moving in a backwards manner.. as in our backs were facing the upwards motion.. it was cool.. and i was the only who managed to reach the top...!!! cool..!!

nightwalk.. don't wanna talk about.. 'something' happened.. but it ended so damn late ah.. it left me about 1 and half hours to rest for the trial..

so i woke up kinda late for the trial.. quickly washed up.. went to clubhouse to grab my bowset as well as leave my stuff.. the only ones awake were adelia, derong and albert.. okay.. half-awake.. but albert was doing SPTs with his bow outside the club by the stairs..

i was nodding my head in interupted sleep the whole journey to zhenghua.. the field is that goddamn big.. with so many boards.. many many boards.. set-up my bow.. registered myself.. went for team captain talk.. hah.. first experience being a stand-in team captain.. and second experience in a team captain meeting.. the previous one was during SP Open.. the DOS of the shoot.. a man by the name of richard is like damn dumb lah.. come up with stupid shit.. stubborn somemore.. until ali awang had to come and alter the decision.. i realised.. that HTNS team captains always have "something" to say..

well the shoot began with a whopping 5 ends of sighter.. see.. damn siao lah the DOS.. came up with this decision.. since no team captain objected so it was carried out.. i shot only for 3 rounds.. damn tired lah.. i cannot shoot that well.. and once the whole trial started.. it all turned out too true.. i couldn't shoot.. i was too damn tired.. the sun was blistering hot and the sunlight was so bright i had trouble aiming.. i was performing badly.. every shot i made took a lot of energy.. my bow felt like it weigh a tonne.. occasionally after i released i would be so tired that my bow arm collapses and that shot goes wayward.. some shots didn't even hit the board.. it was terrible.. but fortunately my mentality was solid and unwavering.. my mental clarity and strength was the only thing that drove me on in the trial.. my performance was superbly terrible..

i managed to qualify of coz.. so easy.. only 450pts.. passing score.. but after wat i've gone thru this day.. i have second thoughts about my participation in the actual event.. it was just terrible.. damn terrible.. my mum is like always asking me to take grab this opportunity.. but she doesn't know the complexity of the situation.. it is damn complicated.. i dunno whether i should participate or not.. wat do u readers think..?? should i participate..?? leave ur opinion on my tagboard..

after today and the things that i have experienced during the camp.. thoughts have begun to run in my head.. my ascension to a new person has just begun..

Just a random post..

School's started.. Really have to work hard to accommodate the drop in my formerly high GPA.. gonna chiong all the way... like i told nadiah before as well as others.. i'm gonna study like a mad dog to pull back my gpa up as close as possible to 4..

New modules.. all of them semestral modules except for maths.. my seniors say that some of them are hard.. but wat the hell.. i'm up for the challenge.. and i'm giving my utmost passion into studying and excelling into all of the modules.. be it easy or difficult.. the same passion and drive in it will be the same.. i wanna score.. i wanna do well.. my new lecturers are all nice and friendly.. my maths lecturer unchanged.. so she knows me well i think..

gonna search for a part time job.. i really need the money.. my parent's causing me problems.. they don't regularly give me pocket money.. have trouble saving up for my bowset.. wanna go job searching.. gonna go with adelia next week.. hope i can get the job i want..

well.. archery camp is this weekend.. got some guai lan year 1s.. esp the 2 guai lan non-bred year 1 archers.. a guy from hai sing catholic by the name of samuel.. and another.. self-proclaimed national archer by the name of rudy.. heh.. really really self proclaimed.. asked albert whether he has heard the name.. hah.. albert just shook his head.. albert leh.. SEA games silver medallist leh.. u self proclaim urself as a national archer when the most famous of national archers doesn't know who the fuck u are.. walao. just say u are an archer lah.. no need to say "national archer".. name never heard before... name not on the AAS youth squad update.. still got the balls to such blasphemy.. heh.. bullshit.. i'll keep a lookout for u two idiots.. see whether ur attitudes are fit for shooting..

SEAAF trial on sunday.. gonna do my best.. compared my training score and realised that i am on par with ppl from RJ.. rich bastards who have the money to buy better equipment.. better bows.. better arrows.. better everything.. and a coach to go with that.. Ken Ang some more.. Got coach and not to mention money sure must be good wat.. but.. the results don't show.. the only RJ guys i know are RJ's only compound archer Kang Rui and a recurver Aaron (gold helix dude).. And i'm on par with the recurve archers.. something is obvious.. o.0.. ehehehehehe...

i've been in a deep mental state of concentration.. always finding myself wandering from others.. there's too much unfairness rampant around.. too much conflict.. too much.. too much for me.. too much things in confusion.. too many unpure thoughts for my mind.. yes.. i deem unnecessary thoughts a unpure.. coz they don't benefit me in any way.. i seem to be much more focused with the things that i do now.. as well as become much more patient..

a change is going about me again.. and i kinda like this change.. a much more matured mind, patient, focused, quiet me..

the new me..
i kinda like it..

A dream..

Just a simple dream..

A simple dream of representing my country.. just that simple dream.. it's within my grasp.. God has presented me with an opportunity to do so with the upcoming 1st SEAAF Junior Championships.. the opportunity for me to represent my country.. an opportunity for me to have my dream come true..

over the past few weeks.. ever since i made the decision to grab this opportunity.. something has changed about me.. never have i felt such maturity of mind run thru me..

the same desire to do my best.. the same desire to win.. the same desire to go against all odds.. the same desire that saw me emerge victorious is pulsating thru me once again..

never have i experienced such mental concentration.. and at times.. i find myself immersed in my own world of thoughts..
i find myself all alone.. and people say that i'm emo.. hah.. and some even say that i'm scary when i'm emo.. hah.. well.. if they want to call it emo.. then let it be.. it sounds cool too..

i would prefer to call it.. "In The Zone".. the zone of supreme mental concentration that totally every single external aspect is blocked out.. it's my dome of excellence.. it's when i shut myself down from the world.. it's when i will succeed.. it's when anger runs thru me.. i realise that i perform better when i'm immersed in the fumes of anger and hatred.. i dunno.. i find it very very interesting.. since nowadays.. i'm always thrown into anger..

that's how i use my anger.. as fuel for my exceptional performance.. they say anger is a great force.. they say if u can control it.. it can be transmuted into a power which can move the world.. i have managed to control my anger.. and i am going to move the world.. well at least my world.. ahahhahah.. sounds rather hubristic here.. ahahhahahah..

i can really have everything i want.. if i go after it.. but.. i would have to want it.. the desire for success is so strong within me that it is the very breath of my life now.. the very first thought when i awaken in the morning.. my very last thought when i go to bed at night..

this desire in me.. i am consumed by it.. never has a dream been so close within my grasp.. never has a dream been desired for in such high intensity.. never..

this dream.. how simple it is.. just to represent my country.. how simple it is.. yes.. it is simple.. but i cannot neglect it..
it may be simple.. but to me now.. it is everything..

A dream.. It's everything..

That's it..!!

Fuck it..!!

I've had enough of this bullshit..!!

I've simply had enough of this.. this unfairness.. i know the world is unfair.. but this is way to much for me.. i'm nothing but a single human being.. but the unfairness that i bear upon myself is feels like the whole world bearing down upon my tiny shoulders.. i can't take it anymore.. if the world doesn't want me.. then i'll go away.. i'll stay away.. i'll hide myself from this world..

my heart pulsates with anger and hatred.. hatred at myself that i follow wat's left warm of my cold heart.. hatred.. for i put myself into this situation.. this situation of whirling emotions.. emotions of anger and rage.. there seems to be no end to it.. everywhere i turn away.. to face away from the sources of my anger.. i'm faced with anger and hatred.. every time i try to run away from my anger.. there it is again. brewing the hatred in me.. all around me.. my anger, rage and hatred is immersed with it.. i can only close my eyes to momentarily hide myself from these things.. then when i open my eyes once again.. everything comes flooding.. pursing thru me.. and i open my eyes consumed with anger and rage.. i see only anger.. i see only rage..

they say anger is a natural reaction; one of the mind's way of reacting to things that it perceives as wrong.. and while anger can sometimes lead people to do shocking things.. it can also be an instinct to show people that something isn't right.. everything's wrong.. u know wat i see as wrong..?? unthankfulness.. unappreciation.. selfishness.. these are wrong.. these ain't right.. these leads to anger.. angry people are those people who are afraid.. yes.. i admit it... i am afraid.. i am afraid of losing my sense of belonging on this earth.. i'm afraid of being unappreciated and unnoticed till i burn out of memory of those whom i care the most for.. i am afraid of losing my sources of compensation to such selfish fools.. yes.. about this.. i am afraid..

anger is a symptom.. a way of cloaking and expressing feelings too awful to experience directly -- hurt.. bitterness.. grief.. and most of all fear..

hurt.. i'm hurt by the ones closest to me.. i'm hurt for their unthankfulness.. their unappreciation.. i am never noticed.. and i'm hurt for that.. hurt.. this pain.. it's bitter.. it's grievous.. it's distressful.. fear.. just like what i've mentioned above.. to be burned out of memory of the ones closest to my cold heart.. to the ones.. who keep a warm spot for myself in my icy heart.. to the very ones who are the cause of my demise.. i am afraid.. i fear to be forgotten..

it's just not fair.. for those ppl to have access to better facilities and stuff.. to be much more well off than i am.. and then they take over something that people like me have to resort to compensate for such unfairness.. it's like.. they so well off to afford such priveleges.. why can't they just stick to it than go around denying ppl like me the only way we can compensate ourselves for being so underpriveleged.. why do they have to snatch it all away..?!?! wat the fuck is their problem..?!?! can't they just stick to the priveleges that they have..?!?! wat the FUCK is wrong with them..?!?! and these selfish fools.. they go around boasting over achievements that i have managed to accomplished ages ago.. they go around boasting over minor achievements which i have accomplished much more and yet did nothing as selfish and arrogant as them by boasting all about it.. and the attention they get over it.. heh.. i smile in resentment.. and then these fools.. how selfish they become.. cause much more grievous hurt to others.. and ppl like me have to clean up their mess..

honestly.. i just love the previous entry that i wrote.. i love it so much.. i recite it out loud to myself.. it just speaks so true about the situation i'm in right now.. and the decision i make in determining my state of mind.. solitude and silence.. and as such selfishness.. such unappreciation gets ever so abundant.. being in solitude and silence is being oh so enticing..

i dunno how to describe the amount of anger and hatred i feel in myself.. it's just beyond words.. damnit..