cold..

yeah.. that's what i've seem to become.. cold..

i've become hard.. i've become cold..

as the days pass by.. i'm becoming more solemn.. more cold.. i've become hard.. i've become somewhat like that of a statue.. emotionless.. soulless.. no one notices me.. nobody bothers about.. i'm just there.. it's like i've turned into a ghost.. i dunno wat's becoming of me.. anger and hatred never rests in me.. it still rages on.. it still burns.. it burns everything..

love.. i cannot say that love is non-existent in me.. for i may love.. and yet not admit it.. i love archery.. i love my friends.. i love my belongings.. love is ever existent in me.. i cannot deny it.. it's just when i deny it.. it's just that it's when i'm forced not to love which has caused me to become cold, to become hard.. i put myself under this suffering.. for i am not given the freedom to express love.. i can only love from afar.. the love that kindles in ur heart to see the person and people i love all happy.. and i smile inside.. i may put up a solemn face.. but the thing that gives me away is when my eyes smile.. i hate it when that happens.. hah.. i hate it when ppl catch me smiling thru my eyes when i put up a solemn face..

when the heart is forced not to love.. the heart dies along with the owner of the heart with it..

everything's in chaos now.. everything and everyone.. my life.. the life i never wanted.. the life i had.. it's returning.. the life of singularity and solitude.. i can't help it.. i can't get away from the chaos.. it's like i'm drawn to it.. yet not with it.. only by the outskirts.. willing to catch and bring back up any whom are thrown viciously out.. i'm like a safeguard net.. a net where ppl would fall onto and be comforted that i'm there for them.. and yet some ppl wonder how and why i manage to keep up with wat i do.. it's simple.. maintain a neutral state.. my simplicity of not getting involved in complex situations has seen me this far.. and like everything.. this "net" that i provide.. it's starting to break.. why..?? as i "rescue" ppl.. i unwillingly get caught up in it.. but yet.. not taking sides maintaining the oh so important neutral state.. but.. as i valiantly try to wrest control and order to the situation.. i get hurt in the process.. i get hurt for things unrelated to me..

my life has hit a level of rockbottom i believe i cannot get out from.. but yet.. i remain faithful.. semper fidelis.. to the ppl i love.. for i know that they need me there.. and as i weather thru my life oh so full of hate and unfairness.. they see me as innocent.. they see me as "untouched".. but yet.. they do not know what actually rages in me.. And they say.. Beware the fury of a patient man.. i am patient.. and the fury in me.. i myself am afraid of it.. i'm afraid that in my moment of blind rage.. i hurt the ones i love.. i'm afraid of my own fury and anger.. but.. i hold it at bay.. my fury.. my rage.. my anger.. my hatred.. none will witness it.. for it will never be witness..

right now.. another thing rages in my heart.. i'm thinking of defecting.. i'll give it a year to think it over..