That's it..!!

Fuck it..!!

I've had enough of this bullshit..!!

I've simply had enough of this.. this unfairness.. i know the world is unfair.. but this is way to much for me.. i'm nothing but a single human being.. but the unfairness that i bear upon myself is feels like the whole world bearing down upon my tiny shoulders.. i can't take it anymore.. if the world doesn't want me.. then i'll go away.. i'll stay away.. i'll hide myself from this world..

my heart pulsates with anger and hatred.. hatred at myself that i follow wat's left warm of my cold heart.. hatred.. for i put myself into this situation.. this situation of whirling emotions.. emotions of anger and rage.. there seems to be no end to it.. everywhere i turn away.. to face away from the sources of my anger.. i'm faced with anger and hatred.. every time i try to run away from my anger.. there it is again. brewing the hatred in me.. all around me.. my anger, rage and hatred is immersed with it.. i can only close my eyes to momentarily hide myself from these things.. then when i open my eyes once again.. everything comes flooding.. pursing thru me.. and i open my eyes consumed with anger and rage.. i see only anger.. i see only rage..

they say anger is a natural reaction; one of the mind's way of reacting to things that it perceives as wrong.. and while anger can sometimes lead people to do shocking things.. it can also be an instinct to show people that something isn't right.. everything's wrong.. u know wat i see as wrong..?? unthankfulness.. unappreciation.. selfishness.. these are wrong.. these ain't right.. these leads to anger.. angry people are those people who are afraid.. yes.. i admit it... i am afraid.. i am afraid of losing my sense of belonging on this earth.. i'm afraid of being unappreciated and unnoticed till i burn out of memory of those whom i care the most for.. i am afraid of losing my sources of compensation to such selfish fools.. yes.. about this.. i am afraid..

anger is a symptom.. a way of cloaking and expressing feelings too awful to experience directly -- hurt.. bitterness.. grief.. and most of all fear..

hurt.. i'm hurt by the ones closest to me.. i'm hurt for their unthankfulness.. their unappreciation.. i am never noticed.. and i'm hurt for that.. hurt.. this pain.. it's bitter.. it's grievous.. it's distressful.. fear.. just like what i've mentioned above.. to be burned out of memory of the ones closest to my cold heart.. to the ones.. who keep a warm spot for myself in my icy heart.. to the very ones who are the cause of my demise.. i am afraid.. i fear to be forgotten..

it's just not fair.. for those ppl to have access to better facilities and stuff.. to be much more well off than i am.. and then they take over something that people like me have to resort to compensate for such unfairness.. it's like.. they so well off to afford such priveleges.. why can't they just stick to it than go around denying ppl like me the only way we can compensate ourselves for being so underpriveleged.. why do they have to snatch it all away..?!?! wat the fuck is their problem..?!?! can't they just stick to the priveleges that they have..?!?! wat the FUCK is wrong with them..?!?! and these selfish fools.. they go around boasting over achievements that i have managed to accomplished ages ago.. they go around boasting over minor achievements which i have accomplished much more and yet did nothing as selfish and arrogant as them by boasting all about it.. and the attention they get over it.. heh.. i smile in resentment.. and then these fools.. how selfish they become.. cause much more grievous hurt to others.. and ppl like me have to clean up their mess..

honestly.. i just love the previous entry that i wrote.. i love it so much.. i recite it out loud to myself.. it just speaks so true about the situation i'm in right now.. and the decision i make in determining my state of mind.. solitude and silence.. and as such selfishness.. such unappreciation gets ever so abundant.. being in solitude and silence is being oh so enticing..

i dunno how to describe the amount of anger and hatred i feel in myself.. it's just beyond words.. damnit..