been a real hectic few weeks for me..

countless of assignments.. presentations.. paperwork.. paperwork.. and more paperwork.. e-learning is like totally fucked up.. not only blackboard loading slow.. but the online quizzes and assignments due from the so called "e-lessons" are really frustrating..

2nd archery trials started well.. but i screwed the first round mid way.. took sometime before i got my mojo on again.. but by then.. it was too late for me to catch up.. it was disastrous.. i was trying to win back the scores i lost.. but the feeling was great coz i was focused and relaxed.. was a really windy day.. to the extent that 2 boards ( un-pegged) were blown off the stand and the 2 of the arrows on them broke.. =(.. damn sadded..

i really need to buck up with my work.. must clean up my room first.. ahahah.. so messy.. not conducive for studying... i can feel my studies deteriorating.. and i most certainly don't want that happening to me.. ( like who doesn't).. i've been known to be good on the rebound.. standing up after the fall.. and i can feel myself falling.. both archery and studies wise.. studies.. not so much.. but archery.. i can say.. a real devastating drop.. i think i really have to change my glasses.. i keep on having 2 images appearing when i aim.. most probably due to my eyes switching to the vision of the eye with the higher clarity in aiming.. i don't like..!!! then.. nowadays.. the weather is like so damn freaky.. so hot.. so hot.. SO HOT...!!!!!! how to train like this..?!?! rain better lah.. at least still can shoot.. but the retrieving can slowly pull pull ahh..

haiz.. everythings falling and i'm slowly picking up the pieces.. hope this holidays.. i can get myself back up together again.. i really wanna be an all-rounder.. good in sports.. good in studies.. haiz.. i know i can do it.. and i WILL do it..!!!

i really never thought myself saying this.. but i dunno wat to blog.. =P.. later my cousin shahidah scold me.. coz she's like saying that my blog entries are so damn long and lose her midway thru reading the entry.. then i like suddenly have nothing to write.. but right now.. very very very very bbbuuusssyyyy... =P.. but trust me.. my blog will again flow with my long entries..


take care ya'll.. peace.. (^.^)v

hmm..

peculiar and uncommon things have been going on lately.. happy things.. not-so-happy things.. i dunno.. i feel strange.. i feel.. i feel free..

yes.. i feel free.. the horrid emotions of envy.. of jealousy.. of anger and of hate.. that once chained me to a world of suffering has been struck off.. it's like a mighty axe just hewed the chains off and now i'm free..

i seemed to have achieved mental clarity.. it's like everything external to me.. has lost it's power on me.. i don't exactly know how to explain it.. but it feels great..!! yes it does..

i'm much more happy now.. i'm much more patient now.. and i believed i have changed into a much better person.. i believe i've become much more wiser ever since i've released myself from selfish thoughts and inhibitions as well as my insecurities.. and i like it..

i like everything of my new self.. the courage.. the wisdom.. once.. i was afraid of leading.. i was afraid of all the childish pranks and sayings that ppl used to say to me whenever i stood up and took charge..

but now.. it's different.. i kinda like breaking through the barrier of confusion and disorder.. the confidence that i emanate.. to take the helm of things small and minor but nonetheless taking charge.. and the ppl look at me with eyes of trust and the sparkle which cry out "i will follow this guy's lead".. never have i seen such trust in the eyes of total strangers.. charisma they say.. and once someone said i possessed such charisma and great leadership.. i refused to believe what the person said.. i scoffed at such an unbelievable thought.. and now.. i'm starting to believe that person..

i'm not being arrogant.. i'm not being egotisitc.. i know i'm capable of being a great leader.. but for now.. with much humility that i possess.. i am proud to be the leader of my life.. to lead my life with great wisdom and humility.. to make fair choices.. and by far.. the choices that i have made are worthwhile.. and i like myself for it..

it is human nature not to worry about tmr.. for u may never know wat life has in store for you.. patience will lead me on to tmr..

dunno why i feel so crappy these past few days.. yeah.. i feel really crappy now.. especially now.. it's like i'm sick of life.. sick of living.. sick of everything.. i dunno wat's wrong with me..

I seem to hate everything that i have to do now.. maybe it's the transition of me.. getting out of this sick lazy mode to my hardworking mode.. maybe it is.. coz i feel so comfortable being lazy lazing around procrastinating that when i force myself to get my lazy ass up and start working.. my body.. being forced to do something it is not comfortable with is most reluctant to do so.. and this reluctance.. is the cause of making me sick..

i am not at peace with myself.. always in conflict with my inner demons.. conflict with them is better than falling to them.. i never knew that i had such inner demons.. emotions like pride, ego, arrogance, anger, jealousy and hate.. i get attracted to them.. most notably anger and hate.. but at the same time.. a part of me is pulled towards what i should really be.. like being kind.. being nice..

it is the guilt of falling to these inner demons and the consequences that come after them.. it is sick.. i don't like to be angry.. i don't like to feel hate.. then why..?? why does the world.. why does the world seem to be against me..?? what have i done to deserve this unfairness..?? i don't see anything.. it is because of these unfairness and bullshit that i succumb to anger and hate.. then why in the first place does unfairness have to occur..??

i'm talking crap..

i'm fighting a war against my inner demons.. and it seems that i'm on the verge of victory.. i'm winning the battle.. not the war.. the war rages ever on.. in peace time.. the tension is still there.. but the war never escalates without me controlling myself.. and from the looks of it.. i'm slowly developing control over my volatile raging emotions.. and the weapon.. the weapon is patience.. all my life i have always lived with patience.. but never have i been in such a tensed situation of life right now and patience is the only thing holding me back..

i used to rage at the world for the unfairness i received.. but now.. now it's all different.. i feel.. different.. totally different.. i'm much more patient than ever before.. and i like it.. i'm like developing an untouchable forcefield that screams "i don't give a gosh darn".. it's like.. i receive criticism and insults from ppl.. i receive shitty treatment from ppl.. but this forcefield.. it stays them all away.. as long as it doesn't affect me directly.. it has nothing over me.. nothing external over me.. has power over me.. patience..

i wonder.. how it feels to be hit by a speeding car.. to be hit by a ballistic chunk of metal.. and the moment of bone-crunching impact.. how does it feel like to be suddenly thrown of ur feet by a force amounting to being rammed by an elephant without ur knowing.. ur body contorts to the impact of the force.. u hear ur bones crushing.. ur arms and legs breaking.. ur neck snapping back.. ur ribs break.. ur lifeless body flung 30 feet from the point of impact.. and u land with a sickening thud.. with trails of crimson liquid staining the ground.. and streams of blood flow meader across ur face.. bleeding from ur ruptured face.. from that horrid gash on ur forehead.. how does it feel..?? how does it feel..??

grateful for the events and things that have happened over the short span of the past 2 days..

and so.. i talked to yazid yesterday.. not in person.. on msn.. told him the problems i'm having with archery.. gave advice he did.. i need the advice and confidence.. ppl whom i have most trust, faith and motivation are leaving soon.. very soon.. and i have to make most of the times spent together as the clock ticks on.. guolong and yazid.. and especially guolong.. my teacher.. my coach.. he never did teach me much and he knows and i know that i can do it by myself.. furthermore.. he needs the time to spend more time with chinyan, shimin and shwajuan.. afterall.. they are his students as well.. and i needed him only when i needed help.. and made most of the times that he actually stood by me to watch me shoot.. yazid.. he's the one teaching me the mental stuff about archery.. the confidence.. the "fuck it, just shoot" attitude.. yeah.. they really have made a great impact in my life in archery.. and they're going off soon to serve the country.. my motivation and guidance are from them.. and very thankful of it.. thanks guys..

and so.. yazid's evaluation on my performance:- i've most certainly worked hard at training my physique and form.. but one things for sure.. he knows.. and i know.. that my mentality is weak.. i'm weak.. thinking so much ain't good for me.. worrying abt this.. worrying abt that.. worrying.. it ain't doing nothing much about my shooting except for making it even worse.. my job is to shoot.. shoot.. not think.. shoot..

and so.. as the days pass.. and my form gets ever solid (the darn release..!!).. actually.. my form IS solid.. it's just the mentality that ruins it.. all of it.. it's my mind.. my mind..!! aarrgghh..!!

phaze : Yo hafiz.. chill man.. chill..
hafiz : Okay.. okay.. chilling.. chilling..

u know wat i think..

hafiz : wait.. i'm not suppose to think.. but in this context.. i think i can think..
phaze : wat the..?! 0.0..
hafiz : ahahahahhah.. shit..

ok.. u know wat i think..

phaze : stop thinking lahh..!!
hafiz : okok..

this is wat i've planned out.. u know wat i

phaze : ahh..!! don't say think..!!

Okay.. okay.. u know wat.. i really really want an IVP jacket.. yes.. that windbreaker with the SP logo on the left breast and the words "SINGAPORE POLYTECHNIC" emblazoned on the back.. i want it.. I WANT IT..!! so.. i plan that when i do get it.. if i ever get it.. i'm gonna stop participating in competitions.. and train up my form.. train my shot executions and mindset.. train till it becomes second nature.. like writing.. it becomes one with me.. train.. and train.. and train.. but from the looks of things right now.. i don't really care much if i get that jacket.. i mean.. wat's that jacket's worth..??

phaze : it's worth everything..!!

ahahhaha.. ok.. it does have worth to me.. but as for now.. the thought of owning one isn't doing that much good for myself and my shooting performance.. if i do qualify for NUS indoor.. and the jacket comes with it.. then that's good.. coz i don't care about my performance in it.. i just want to get over with it.. then concentrate on my intensive training.. then halfway thru.. i know i'm gonna get my carbon arrows.. and then i switch to them.. do the much essential fine microtuning.. and continue with my intensive training.. then.. i believe.. by november.. i would be ready for anything and everything..


anything and everything..

shot the NUS trials on saturday.. how was it.. the mentality part was fine.. it was the shooting.. i shot terribly.. at least i felt relaxed and that's all that mattered to me.. i shared the same board with Chee aun (i hope i got his name right) and samuel.. both new guys.. chee aun.. well.. i've seen him shoot before at ppcc.. expected him to perform well.. but apparently not.. and as for samuel.. he gave a rather bad first impression the first day i met him.. but as for now.. not bad a guy.. well.. it's just one day.. we'll see how it goes..

and so.. as always.. i sucked during the trials.. everything's gone wrong ever since i thought abt my equipment.. i guess i'm thinking too much.. i really am.. but then.. i've always believed that is the archer.. not the equipment that counts.. learnt fine microtuning of the plunger after several correct frustrating tries at walkback tuning.. my plunger was tuned and i stubbornly refused to accept that it was.. got guolong rather frustrated with me though.. ahahahha.. now i've learnt that fine microtuning of thick sizes of plats doesn't work i left fine microtuning to another time when i get my carbon arrows..

speaking of carbon arrows.. Navs..?? or ACCs..?? i don't know.. Navigators are value for money.. and of course they're much faster than ACCs.. but looking at myself right now.. i don't think i'm that cut out for navigators.. there's like a $100 difference between Navs and ACCs.. and people keep on saying.. "it's just $100.. why don't u just go for the better one..?? ".. well.. it's easy for them to say.. but saving $100 more means another month of gruelling saving.. already right now.. i'm like struggling to save up for my arrows.. and.. i really don't wanna fall to the infamous 1st fundamental law of archery.."It is not possible to have a complete set of arrows".. losing an arrow hurts.. i know.. watching my seniors' broken/PK-ed arrows always hurt.. a part of an investment is gone.. heart pain.. well.. i have until July to decide which arrows i intedn to buy.. right now.. ACCs are the best options for me..

i've always believed it's the person behind the equipment that matters the most..

on sunday.. it was humid and sweltering hot in the morning.. and by the time the club was opened and the field was set up.. storm clouds were looming all over us.. and i only shot one end.. and it poured.. there were 2 boards in the field.. soaking up the rain.. one set at 18m and the other at ard 10m for chinyan's plunger tuning.. and when the rain did finally stop.. i knew it would be hard for me to pull out my plats driven in by 40lbs out of a soaking wet board.. i really didn't want a repeat of the times i had at zhenghua training in the rain.. so i set up another one.. and so i shot.. and shot.. and shot.. and anger engulfed me.. i was expecting it.. and i decided to take it head on.. and it was a mistake.. i changed the atmosphere all around me.. i made it hard for others to shoot.. i'm sorry.. and so i ended my day on a sour note.. really a waste of training time.. i have to make most of the next 2 trainings..

I dunno wat's gotten into me these few weeks.. i've been falling sick very often.. it's driving me nuts.. it only happens in the mornings.. i have a rasping cough.. a throbbing sore throat.. an unclosed tap of mucus attached to my face.. concurrent explosions of saliva (sneezing) and rudolph's trademark nose.. my eyes become so teary.. i can barely open my eyes without tears flowing out.. i feel so weak.. i feel so sick.. but as the day goes on.. i feel abit better.. no more mucus tap.. no more explosions.. so i'm all fine and happy.. smiling and laughing.. ppl say i don't look sick.. and they ask me to take a rest and drink lots of water.. to take care of myself.. and so i comply.. i drink 3 glasses of water.. then i go to sleep..

but when i wake up.. i feel so groggy and so weak.. the mucus tap returns.. i can barely open my eyes.. i feel disorientated.. can barely get out of bed without bumping into the my bro's cupboard.. not only that.. but a high fever arises.. out of nowhere.. so i go take a cold bath in an attempt to get my body temperature down again.. and after i bathe.. i go to sleep.. sometimes with no mood at all to have my dinner..

i dunno wat's gotten into me.. my mentality also seems to be deteriorating ever since SEAAF.. SEAAF.. a life changing experience.. well.. literally.. the numerous long trainings in the freakish climate of singapore has left me weak.. and my failure and SEAAF.. though overcomed.. has come back to haunt me again.. after last saturday's training session.. all hope had faded..

late at night.. i wake up.. with beads of perspiration.. unable to sleep.. with only one thing in my mind.. Failure.. yes.. that's it.. Failure.. and i only realised it last night.. the unsatisfactory defeat last week has totally drained me off my confidence, of my mindset.. i was telling everyone they can do it.. yet i have none for myself.. and after wat i've realised last night.. i am obviously most afraid of failure.. the fear of failure.. the fear of repeating the failure again torments me.. just wat the hell has gotten into me..?!?! Wat's wrong..?!?! is it because that i've come to live with the fact that i have to lose hope and faith to things/people most dearest to me..?? i dunno.. i'm in a state of questioning..

i want all this to end.. it's hurting me so much.. i can't endure it anymore.. the blade in my heart is twisting.. and it hurts.. but i have no choice.. i'm drifting away.. drifting apart.. i'm losing myself..

But... something is brewing within me.. i dunno wat God has in store for me.. i just have to be patient..

well..

over the past few days.. i've really been caught up and busy with the SEAAF junior championships.. wondering wat it is..?? it's the south east asia archery federation.. and never in my life.. in the short time span of 2 weeks.. has my life went thru a most turbulent yet educational time.. and as expected.. i made new friends.. i got educated with details of archery.. i got some insight into the politics of archery.. hah.. would rather want to stay out of it.. politics.. though i kinda like the "drama" in it.. it's just not my kind of thing to be dealing with..

it was turbulent.. coz the continuous training has left me with doubts about my shooting.. turbulent coz i was always zipping.. i thought i could do it on my own.. i thought i could do it all alone.. well.. apparently not.. i was shooting terribly.. the mentality was gone.. vanquished.. vanished.. extinct.. my shots were all over the place literally.. my personal favourite distance of 50m was terrible.. EVERYTHING WAS TERRIBLE…!!! I lost it.. I lost myself.. I lost the event.. I lost control of myself..

educational.. it was mixing with other people from different archery backgrounds.. that I learn more.. learn more about how they train.. learn more about their choice of equipment.. learn about how and what these people do to their equipment to make it unique and maximise its use.. it was remarkable the things that I learnt from this event.. this was the only other thing that was happy during the whole event.. the other happy part.. is watching people I know.. who obviously don’t know me that well.. I know them thru others.. from wat others say about them.. and as always.. I’m never known.. well.. back then.. the other happy part.. is watching people I know have a wide smile on their face as they performed well.. as they emerged victorious.. as they won.. there were happy, broad genuine smiles of intense happiness on their faces.. they were really happy...

anyways.. back to myself.. I was shooting so badly.. my mentality wasn’t there.. my physical strength was there.. but wat’s the use of strength when the thing controlling it isn’t there..?? wat’s the use of brute force when the mind behind it isn’t there..?? it becomes useless.. it becomes obsolete.. and that’s how I felt.. useless and obsolete..

I was determined to overcome this.. this uselessness and feeling of obsolete.. this was one part of my mind that was unwavering.. I think it was my mind.. it was my courage.. the courage of telling me that I did it before I can do it again.. the courage of me not giving it up no matter how sucky I felt.. the courage of getting up after the disastrous fall.. the courage to continue..

And today.. I continued.. I came back to SP.. expecting a whole lot of effort put into my rehabilitation.. but no.. no.. I didn’t need rehabilitation… I was totally fine.. it was incredible.. I was shocked yet grateful that wat I expected didn’t happen.. I didn’t expect my mindset and the problems with my archery mind to be solved and overcomed that fast.. and by my own.. I asked guolong to check on me.. but he said there was no problem at all… it was fantastic.. it was great.. it was all in the mind..

I realised then.. that my weak state of mind was caused primarily by one thing.. isolation.. yes.. isolation.. during the whole 3 weeks.. down to the trials.. to the training.. to the actual event.. I was isolated.. I had no friends.. close friends.. no one.. I had no one supporting me.. just let me simply put it.. I had no one.. I mean. I don’t have any of those close friends who were around when I train.. people like Christine and kailin.. my training buddies.. my club members who are always around to crap about.. the friends who make me smile..

the only friends i had are wymer and his sister vanessa.. but they're more like acquaintances.. coz i’m not that close to them.. but through this event.. the many days spent interacting and training together.. I have gotten closer to them.. I made new friends.. ppl like eddy.. NP archery’s only compound archery.. funny lad.. nice guy.. got to know others more.. Nicholas, guah lih, Benjamin, joon meng, ken li, Marcus, Christopher.. getting to know them more in my terms.. is sitting all alone in a corner and then these ppl come up and say ‘hi’ or ‘bye’ to me.. rather of acquaintances than real friends.. yet.. wymer was an acquaintance until we got closer.. and now we’re close friends.. I dunno about the others.. but I hope it’ll turn out the same.. acquaintances.. then close friends.. like the saying goes.. no man is an island.. and I don’t intend to be an island..

it was the atmosphere.. the atmosphere of the people who I often shoot with.. the cheerful atmosphere of happiness.. it wasn’t there.. and that I believe was the source of my demise.. now that I’ve identified it.. I’m happy and grateful that I have a bunch of crazy and happy friends here in SP archery club.. yes.. I’m happy.. and I want this happiness to last.. things in the club doesn’t seem to be working out well now.. u don’t have to actually be in it.. u can feel it.. it’s like.. we’re a closely bonded community.. any thing wrong can be felt.. it can be felt.. I want all this misunderstanding and differences to be clarified and get rid of.. it’s not going well for anyone of us.. hope for the best..

anyways.. now that I’ve experience wat it’s like to be in an international competition.. again.. I have the drive to do well.. I wanna do well.. I will train hard.. I will emerge victorious.. I will succeed.. this time.. it’ll be a very long and arduous journey.. and I know I can make it.. I know I can do it.. I will do it..


next up NUS Indoor..