dunno why i feel so crappy these past few days.. yeah.. i feel really crappy now.. especially now.. it's like i'm sick of life.. sick of living.. sick of everything.. i dunno wat's wrong with me..

I seem to hate everything that i have to do now.. maybe it's the transition of me.. getting out of this sick lazy mode to my hardworking mode.. maybe it is.. coz i feel so comfortable being lazy lazing around procrastinating that when i force myself to get my lazy ass up and start working.. my body.. being forced to do something it is not comfortable with is most reluctant to do so.. and this reluctance.. is the cause of making me sick..

i am not at peace with myself.. always in conflict with my inner demons.. conflict with them is better than falling to them.. i never knew that i had such inner demons.. emotions like pride, ego, arrogance, anger, jealousy and hate.. i get attracted to them.. most notably anger and hate.. but at the same time.. a part of me is pulled towards what i should really be.. like being kind.. being nice..

it is the guilt of falling to these inner demons and the consequences that come after them.. it is sick.. i don't like to be angry.. i don't like to feel hate.. then why..?? why does the world.. why does the world seem to be against me..?? what have i done to deserve this unfairness..?? i don't see anything.. it is because of these unfairness and bullshit that i succumb to anger and hate.. then why in the first place does unfairness have to occur..??

i'm talking crap..

i'm fighting a war against my inner demons.. and it seems that i'm on the verge of victory.. i'm winning the battle.. not the war.. the war rages ever on.. in peace time.. the tension is still there.. but the war never escalates without me controlling myself.. and from the looks of it.. i'm slowly developing control over my volatile raging emotions.. and the weapon.. the weapon is patience.. all my life i have always lived with patience.. but never have i been in such a tensed situation of life right now and patience is the only thing holding me back..

i used to rage at the world for the unfairness i received.. but now.. now it's all different.. i feel.. different.. totally different.. i'm much more patient than ever before.. and i like it.. i'm like developing an untouchable forcefield that screams "i don't give a gosh darn".. it's like.. i receive criticism and insults from ppl.. i receive shitty treatment from ppl.. but this forcefield.. it stays them all away.. as long as it doesn't affect me directly.. it has nothing over me.. nothing external over me.. has power over me.. patience..

i wonder.. how it feels to be hit by a speeding car.. to be hit by a ballistic chunk of metal.. and the moment of bone-crunching impact.. how does it feel like to be suddenly thrown of ur feet by a force amounting to being rammed by an elephant without ur knowing.. ur body contorts to the impact of the force.. u hear ur bones crushing.. ur arms and legs breaking.. ur neck snapping back.. ur ribs break.. ur lifeless body flung 30 feet from the point of impact.. and u land with a sickening thud.. with trails of crimson liquid staining the ground.. and streams of blood flow meader across ur face.. bleeding from ur ruptured face.. from that horrid gash on ur forehead.. how does it feel..?? how does it feel..??