I dunno wat's gotten into me these few weeks.. i've been falling sick very often.. it's driving me nuts.. it only happens in the mornings.. i have a rasping cough.. a throbbing sore throat.. an unclosed tap of mucus attached to my face.. concurrent explosions of saliva (sneezing) and rudolph's trademark nose.. my eyes become so teary.. i can barely open my eyes without tears flowing out.. i feel so weak.. i feel so sick.. but as the day goes on.. i feel abit better.. no more mucus tap.. no more explosions.. so i'm all fine and happy.. smiling and laughing.. ppl say i don't look sick.. and they ask me to take a rest and drink lots of water.. to take care of myself.. and so i comply.. i drink 3 glasses of water.. then i go to sleep..

but when i wake up.. i feel so groggy and so weak.. the mucus tap returns.. i can barely open my eyes.. i feel disorientated.. can barely get out of bed without bumping into the my bro's cupboard.. not only that.. but a high fever arises.. out of nowhere.. so i go take a cold bath in an attempt to get my body temperature down again.. and after i bathe.. i go to sleep.. sometimes with no mood at all to have my dinner..

i dunno wat's gotten into me.. my mentality also seems to be deteriorating ever since SEAAF.. SEAAF.. a life changing experience.. well.. literally.. the numerous long trainings in the freakish climate of singapore has left me weak.. and my failure and SEAAF.. though overcomed.. has come back to haunt me again.. after last saturday's training session.. all hope had faded..

late at night.. i wake up.. with beads of perspiration.. unable to sleep.. with only one thing in my mind.. Failure.. yes.. that's it.. Failure.. and i only realised it last night.. the unsatisfactory defeat last week has totally drained me off my confidence, of my mindset.. i was telling everyone they can do it.. yet i have none for myself.. and after wat i've realised last night.. i am obviously most afraid of failure.. the fear of failure.. the fear of repeating the failure again torments me.. just wat the hell has gotten into me..?!?! Wat's wrong..?!?! is it because that i've come to live with the fact that i have to lose hope and faith to things/people most dearest to me..?? i dunno.. i'm in a state of questioning..

i want all this to end.. it's hurting me so much.. i can't endure it anymore.. the blade in my heart is twisting.. and it hurts.. but i have no choice.. i'm drifting away.. drifting apart.. i'm losing myself..

But... something is brewing within me.. i dunno wat God has in store for me.. i just have to be patient..