Maybe i was a little bit too harsh in my previous post..

well..

cold.. indeed i was.. but nothing could ever kill the clown inside of me..

but the smile i had was different.. it was empty.. it was hollow.. it had no feeling to it.. it was weird.. like it was like the smile of the Cheshire cat in Disney's Alice in Wonderland.. it was like a mask hiding evil behind it.. i could feel it.. it was no ordinary smile on my face..

and after the events that happened yesterday.. i was abit too harsh.. my friends.. they need me.. i am this figure of security and comfort.. i am the arm that's wrapped around hunched shoudlers.. the soft pat on the back.. the one who holds the umbrella.. the shoulder to cry on.. the blanket of security.. and from wat happened yesterday.. pretty much shows how impt the role i play to them..



For Who i am.. and not What i am..

Fuck..

Cold..

No use being kind.
No use being cordial.
No use being considerate.
No use smiling.
No use.
No use.

I have to be heartless.
I have to be cold.
I have to be cruel.
I have to burn with hatred.
I have to fume with rage.
I have to..
I have to..

It's particularly no use being a good person.. where ppl whom i deem as friends disregard me, casting me aside for the lies and masks of others.. And when they most need help and someone to talk to they confide in me. Why is that? what about the others who lie and cheat and act..? wat about them..? where are they..? Where are they when u most need help..?

They're never there.. selfish creatures.. and wat hurts me the most is that after such time and advice given, they cast me aside again going for the liars..

i know i've mentioned this before.. it's a vicious cycle that i throw myself into for the sake of others.. but i cannot continue with this anymore.. this time it's real..

cold.. hollow.. empty..

Something different..





mengapa aku yang terluka..

it was inevitable.. i could see it coming.. *sigh*.. move on.. no point lingering over wat has happened.. have to learn to look forward.. maybe even reach greater heights..

hmm.. gonna enforce my archery basics.. need to develop a training regime.. Pol-Ite round up next week. hope i can do well since it's after fasting.. have to gain the strength back..

Became a Personal Bodyguard and Walk Walk companion to Kai Lin.. Hah..

there seems to be an abundance of PSP/PSP Slims popping up in my life.. but i can't get one.. i have to save for archery..


the tears that flow as i walked in the night..

Cute hands.. wat the..? compliment..?

Pol-Ite rounding the corner.. Hari Raya even more rounding the corner.. ( just wat the hell happened to my english..?!?! )

Training.. training.. i just wanna achieve the scores i have set for myself..

The Power Three teamed up and played in-out TKO against anthony, shimin, chinyan and adelia.. Ok so we were handicapped.. but we still won.. it was great nonetheless..

Studies going well so far.. must come to class punctually.. not too early.. not too late.. must stay awake in mass lectures.. must.. must..

Dying everyday.. Holding on to a single thread of hope.. I wait in vain and sorrow..

yes.. ben dan.. i am.. i am..