I dunno why i feel this way..

lethargic..
unmotivated..
dreadful..
restless..
breathless..
sick..
sleepless..

must be the exams.. they're killing me softly..

"It's not yet your time.. "
she says..

these are the very words she said to me when i told her about how i felt about my declining performance.. about how i questioned my own ability.. about how i lost hope and faith in myself.. i was able to change and improve the lives of others But not of my own.. i lost trust in myself..

but i know very well.. my time is coming soon.. i can feel it.. it's like the same feeling almost a year back.. i can feel myself improving.. it's hard.. it's tiring.. but nonetheless.. i can feel it.. patience, perseverance, persistence and perspiration will ensure success for me..

It's these words that cheer me up every time i doubt my own abilities.. every time i whisper these words to myself..

not yet my time..

I wonder..

let's just envision a situation..

how would it be like.. for someone to carry out an act of greater good.. against a tyrant of sorts.. only for that someone to have his life endangered.. not only of his own.. but for the ones that that he care most of.. this tyrant have minions in great numbers.. and this someone is in great distress.. for he may never see the light of day tmr ever again.. multiplying villainies do swarm upon him.. everywhere he goes.. his life hangs in the balance..

ok.. let's continue this part of the story with a modern twist to it..

how would it be like.. for this someone.. to enter somewhere secluded.. away from the eyes of the public.. it could possibly be anywhere.. a dark alley to even a toilet.. not knowing.. that he is being followed by others.. many others.. after he's done with his matters.. he washes his hands in the cold clammy waters that run streaming from the tap.. he cups his hands as he collects water then wets his face.. running his palms across his face..

then.. as soon as he gazes upon his reflection.. the door opens behind him and several teenagers.. tall, muscular, well built.. in much contrast to his small, short frame.. fills the empty space of the toilet.. it dawns upon him what he has to face and realises what he's bound for.. doom.. he looks upon the faces of his would be assailants.. gazing with much fear into each of their faces.. he lets his guard down.. for resistance would be futile against such foes.. he reluctantly submits to his impending fate..

And so the first blow is thrown.. hard and solid thrusting with immense force into his unprotected stomach.. he folds.. attempting to muffle his cry of pain.. another blow comes flying in.. downward across his face.. and he crumbles to the floor.. a flurry of kicks and punches come flying like a hailstorm on him.. his assailants yelling curses and insults as they work ruthlessly.. he jerks.. he contorts.. he twists and turn on the cold ceramic floor.. he coughs out volumes of blood.. his face brutally maimed.. his face swells up with bruises.. he gets thrown across the area.. smashing into the hard walls.. the blows and kicks continue relentlessly.. his blood smears across the walls.. and blood drips off his chin oozing out from his mouth.. he hears his bones break.. he utters no word.. he cannot.. for he is filled with immense pain.. he has no sound no describe the intensity of it.. beaten up to a pulp with such severity he no longer feels pain.. he is spent of all energy.. he lies.. half dead..

his assailants stand arrogantly above his lifeless body.. smiling in sick contentment at the inhumane act that they've carried out.. they start to leave one by one.. their hands caressing their clenched fists.. one of them spits in apparent disgust at him.. they laugh in mockery..

and so.. there he lay.. in a crumpled heap of broken bones and bleeding flesh.. he coughs again.. and blood spews out.. he tries to move but can't.. only one thing dawns upon him.. death.. he is in such pain and agony only death seem to be the only solution to it.. and as the thought of death runs through his mind.. he only thinks about the ones he care most for.. the one he loves the most.. a tear flows down the side of his face.. he slowly smiles.. and then.. loses his consciouness..

will he live to see the light of day lest the faces of the ones he love..? or will he perish.. defending what he holds true and for the greater good.. he dies for doing the right thing..

will he live..? or will he die..?

i may find myself in this person's shoes.. i may..

if i were to die..