Taking my life for granted..

All my life i've wanted to be something more.. i wanted to be someone much better.. i wanted to be more.. i wanted to be better.. i was never contented with myself ~~ short.. skinny.. weak.. i wanted to be taller.. and i'll always feel rather hurt when ppl tell me how short i am.. i was born to be short.. i can't help it.. no matter how much i eat.. i'm still as skinny as ever.. and being short and skinny ain't that nice.. it makes me feel weak.. my small frame leaves ppl with the impression that i'm weak and not capable of anything..

and i.. i feel useless.. worthless.. not capable of anything..

and it was my utmost desire to change that perspective that ppl had of me.. everything that i did in my life.. i wanted to be better at it.. i wanted to do more.. i had a lusting desire to show ppl that i am capable of much much more..

until..

until.. one day.. i came across a young boy and his mother.. it was the condition of this boy that touched my heart the most.. i was instantaneously taken aback.. the mother sat next to me on the train as the boy sat in his stroller facing me.. the boy was abt the age of 7.. he was disabled.. he had celebral palsy.. that's what took me aback.. his disability.. a boy his age should be enjoying his childhood.. being mischievous.. runnint around the train.. but not this boy.. he could barely lift himself up.. occasionally his mother would wipe of the drool by the side of the boys mouth.. he was unable to control his body movements.. as he sat there in his stroller.. he stared at me with pitiful doe eyes.. and it was the intensity of that stare that hit me real hard.. he raised his lifeless limbs to grab on the nearest object that his hands could reach ~ an umbrella.. as he sat there leaning against the back of the stroller, he stared at me while his fingers toyed with the handle..

tears began to well-up in my eyes.. i tilted my head back to force the tears down.. i forced a smile back at him.. ashamed at how much i've neglected my life all this while and how much i've taken my life for granted and not thankful that i was normal.. and lead a normal life.. able to walk.. able to run.. able to have fun.. i was able..

i couldn't stop thinking abt the boy.. he's embedded deep into my memory now.. everytime i take the train now.. and have no conversation.. i'll.. i'll think about that boy.. ever wondering how's he doing.. never did i knew.. he could change my life.. and i'm thankful for it..

and yesterday.. while i was walking home.. i saw a bunch of kids at the playground that i usually pass by en route.. and there was this girl she had limp legs and she moved around with a sort of walker.. her knees were bent in and she supported her weight on the walker.. and she was having fun.. she was 'running' around the playground with her friends.. none of them ostracising her for her disablities.. and guilt and hurt dawned upon me again.. and that boy appeared in my mind again.. i was happy for the girl.. she didn't allow the disability hinder her.. she was having fun.. but not the boy.. the boy can never experience wat it's like to have fun.. he could never run around.. he could never laugh.. it's a sad cruel fact.. and i feel saddened and remorseful..

and this.. this has led me to want to change my life again.. thrusting the selfish desires of wanting to be someone more aside.. i just wanna be myself.. i realised now how much i've neglected myself.. and never thankful for what life has given me..

i have great friends..
i lead a normal life..
i have her..

and i'm greatly thankful that i am able to enjoy all these.. maybe i think too much.. but has anyone ever thought about those who cannot lead their lives as a normal person would.. i feel sympathy.. i feel sad..

i feel changed..

i should be greatful that life has treated me well.. with the balance of good and bad stuff happening in my life as a normal person would.. no matter how little happiness life would bring me.. i'll always know that happiness does not come for all.. and it takes great courage, patience and acceptance to appreciate happiness even though it's only in the slightest amounts.. i'm happy to be happy.. but yet sad to be happy..